Welcome to the inaugural "Shit Diane Doesn't Really Like" post. Note that I reserve the right to say or do all of the below if I want to because I'm perfect.
1) The expression "Is it bad that I..."
Is it bad that I dislike the expression is it bad? It's overused on Facebook and has lost all comedic value. No, it's probably not bad that you watch the Bachelorette. No, it's probably not bad that you think Snooki is cool. No it's probably not bad that you like that dumb-ass Taylor Swift song. What's bad is that you think it's bad. Otherwise, no. No one gives a shit that you like Taylor Swift. This I guarantee. If you say, is it bad that I murdered my parents? Then yes, that is bad. This is where I draw the line.
2) People Who Call Themselves Geeks
When you say something like I'm such a geek what you're really saying is I'm really fucking brilliant. People overuse the word Geek to describe themselves in fake self-deprecation, usually after they admit to loving civil war reenactments or studying the tax code just for fun. Of course, after you learn this fact about them, you're supposed to say wow that's so cool and different! But maybe just once I'll say, yup, you're a total tool.
3) People who think Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp and Leo DiCaprio are "great actors."
4) People on the subway who insist on sitting in the non-existent seat next to me.
5) As requested by my brother, the expression AWKWARD!
This is another overused expression that has left the comedy vernacular and turned the lights off on its way out. Awkward is used by very boring people who claim to be normal when someone they're with does something a bit out of the ordinary. As we all know, "normal people" don't exist so those who use the expression Awkward! are usually insecure and conformist and can't deal with originality.
6) As requested by my brother, the expression REALLY??
Romantic comedies often employ this expression to signify the last in a string of unfortunate events that happens to the main character, usually over the course of the day. Say our heroine gets fired from her job in the morning, spills coffee on her brand new dress, then, a New York cabbie splashes a rain puddle on said dress on her way home, only to get home and find her boyfriend in bed with another woman. REALLY?? Really, God, this too? And once, it might have been funny. But it is no longer funny because too many unfunny people use it stupidly and for things that really don't require a REALLY??
7) I don't know about you, but I get really annoyed when men on the street order me to smile.
It shouldn't be that big of a deal, but when one of those "talking on the street" types call out at me to "smile honey!" I feel something of an internal rage bubbling up inside. For one thing, who gives you the right, Mr. Stranger, to order me to smile? This is a free country thank god, and I am free not to smile. Also, who smiles while walking down the street? Why is it so unusual that out of the thousands of people walking around me, who are not smiling by the way, that I too am not smiling? It's as if I'm a child and this man is some authority figure with power over me. I swear this isn't meant to be a feminist rant, I'm sure this is all very innocent and friendly, I'm just calling it as I feel it and it irks me to no end. And to add to this, I resent the fact that I feel the need to placate crazy people in the street and act nice because I don't want to get raped and killed by some waco who told me to smile.
8) All the hoopla about photos of mothers breastfeeding.
God, is this a thing now?
And in conclusion, here is a family picture taken in Toronto with my grandmother and step-grandfather, dad, brother, sister and me. Guess which one I am.
I recently read The Millenium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson, better known as The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's nest. And like many people, I was engrossed in the story. It was a very easy read. 1,500 pages never seemed so short, and at the end of it, I felt an emotional void, like I'd lost a friend forever. I know now what happens at the end, and unless I get amnesia, no one can take that away. Now I need to find another epic story to become friends with. Actually, I have. I've recently embarked on Lyndon Johnson's very very extensive biography by Robert Caro and it will probably take up the rest of my year. But I digress.
There are many reasons the character of Lisbeth Salander is appealing, most of them stem from the fact that she likely has an Asperger's-like disease: no fear whatsoever, incredible computer skills, photographic memory, very little emotion. She's like a superhero with a syndrome. Her lack of fear is one of the best things about her. While you're sitting there, book in hand, in the safety of your home fearing for her life, she's just like, fighting off giants and rapists and stuff. So bad ass. I started watching the Swedish films on Netflix too. They're very well done even if they can only scratch the surface of the story. Noomi Rapace, the Swedish actress that was picked to play Lisbeth is dead on. Hard to imagine that someone can do better. But maybe Rooney Mara was good in her own way here in the good ol' USA. Why Hollywood has to remake European movies for American audiences is beyond me. Read a fucking subtitle, American people.
There are a few thematic threads throughout the three books, one of them being men who hate women. I understand from someone I met once that the sub-title of the book in Swedish is "Men Who Hate Women." I was unaware that misogyny was a problem in the liberal country of Sweden, but Larsson does cite some disturbing facts. The word most used in the book is "whore." It appears that men think this is a major insult: she's just a whore. And so this matters because? Like whores don't have feelings, or rights? Prostitution isn't even illegal in Sweden and yet whenever a woman in the book outsmarts these bad men, or shows a little stubborness to stand up for what's right, it's straight to the whoerery we go. For the bad men out there, it's a word that represents everything wrong with the female species. And yet, it doesn't feel all that insulting to me. Maybe because, in our own little way, we're all whores.
A whore is someone, most of the time female, who sells her body for sex to a paying male. There is a market for it, and she is on that market to make money so she can eat. That sounds like a job to me. A shitty job that I'd rather not do, but God knows if I had to, if it meant life or death, I would. Men have created the market; there is a high demand for sex in the world and women supply it. Pure economics. Look, It's your fucking market dudes, so why do you find it so repulsive? Do you find yourselves repulsive? What does that say about you and all your deep psychological complexities of shame and guilt and all that other baggage that people carry around. 'Sigh' Boring. It makes me think of the Evangelical Christian who is a closeted gay guy, or the righteous Elliott Spitzer with Client # 9. People who somehow can't own up to an aspect of who they are and reject it so wholeheartedly that they they go to extremes to hide it, demonize it and denounce it to everyone (and hate themselves somewhere deep down in there). Ugh, it's so frustrating I can't even write. But I must go on. I can't go on. Don't you wish you can sometimes say to people just deal? Or if you're unable to deal, just don't seek public office? Anyway, that's not to say I defend prostitution in any way. I wish it didn't exist. It sounds like a miserable job. But it's a sad reality that will likely not go away. So let us at least accept it as such and create a safer environment for it.
Have a good Memorial Day, everyone. And remember those who've experienced the sheer hell of war.
I watched the HBO original documentary series, The Weight of a Nation this week and felt it was informative, entertaining and scary. A few things entered my head as I was learning the facts about the growing obesity epidemic in the United States.
1) Why is gay marriage even an issue? We are so fucked.
You know how in Game of Thrones there are these pseudo kings and queens trying to gain control of the seven kingdoms or take revenge of the wrongs inflicted upon them by the Lanisters? But really, that's all futile and stupid because the Wildlings and citizens of Winterfell constantly remind us that winter is coming...? Well, that's what I think of each time we decide to focus on something like women and gays. Because those two things seem pretty obvious and non-issues in my mind (like, d'huh, let them get married and d'huh let them take the pill), but since the powers that be are able to exert some control over them, we decide that these things are really big deals. In the meantime, we are slowly engineering ourselves out of existence.
2) I don't think that the media propagating the "thin ideal" is really an actual problem in this country
With over 60% of the population either overweight or obese, something tells me that magazines showing thin models and actresses is not actually affecting a whole lot of people (save the models and actresses who are starving themselves). Don't get me wrong, anorexia is a real problem, but 60% of Americans are not anorexic. All that stuff about real women having curves blah blah blah, make me feel better cause I'm fat, is just that, a way to make fat people feel better. I'm not made of stone. I totally understand the human struggle with weight. No one is immune to it. Some people are born thin and therefore don't have to worry, and some people are born heavier and struggle their whole lives. I do really sympathize with this, but I also think that the way people talk sometimes, you'd think that the only problem we have is that society glorifies thin people. This seems beside the point. More and more Americans are pre-diabetic or diagnosed with type II diabetes. And more and more of them have heart disease or liver problems related to weight. In pure productivity and financial terms (if you're made of stone), the more overweight this country becomes, the more costly it will be for our healthcare system to deal with the consequences and the less productive we will be as a nation.
3) The weight issue got me thinking about the extinction of the human species
It is amazing to think that we humans are mostly responsible for our imminent demise. Every scientific wonder we've ever invented has been abused thanks to our natural tendency for addictive behavior: the industrialization of agriculture, weapons, technology, and as my friend Bashir puts it, the white man's poison, high fructose corn syrup. We can't control ourselves and because of it, we are killing ourselves and the earth. Awesome.
4) This documentary reminded me of trips I took with my family across America
Like most families, we spent many of our vacations traveling to places of interest and seeing new stuff. We've been on many road trips together and fought over whose turn it was to sit in the dreaded middle seat (It's Sophie's turn to sit in the middle). Every time I leave the womb of a coastal city and set out on the open road, I am stunned by the number of overweight people I encounter at rest stops and gas stations across the Uniter States. I get this uneasy feeling not unlike that of being in a parallel universe. It's not like I'm in a new country and I'm feeling culture shock, these people speak my language and are roughly like me, but my god, 95% of them are fat and act normal about it. It's like that movie Wall-E... Is this our fate?
And in conclusion, I'd like to end by saying that I think there are too many humans on earth. Thank you.
I don't have anything tangible to write about this week. Well, that's not true, I went to Charleston, SC for an awesome wedding and it was totally fun and great. Charleston is a beautiful place and I'd like to go back one day. But other than that, I've got nothing. You know, it's hard work coming up with funky ass shit, like, every single week. So here are a couple of ruminations that popped into my head.
1) Youth Culture
There is much criticism as it relates to our obsession with youth. I can understand that. After all, a large percentage of humans are not young. But my theory (and it's just a theory!) is that our obsession with youth, propagated by the media, is not skin deep. Rather, it has more to do with individual survival than wanting to look good. Here are a few arguments to support that:
- The world is becoming overpopulated. We are reaching 7 billion humans. That's a shit load for our earth to handle. But more than that, it means that we can squeeze out the weak and old and not think too much about it. So if you're older and still want to live, what do you do? You fake it as much as possible in order to cling to your small piece of the earth. This fact is heightened in image conscious Hollywood where barely older actresses get shafted for parts in favor of younger chicks, but it really applies to all industries and all aspects of the world. If you're old, you don't want to "give yourself away" and appear vulnerable to others because they will take advantage of your admitted weakness. It's that simple. Why is it rude to ask an older person their age? It's a weird social rule, but we all respect it somehow. Age is a very sensitive topic because it relates back to death, but also one's very own survival.
- The end of the traditional family also contributes to youth obsession. Old people are alone more now than they have ever been. Back in the day, elders were a very important part of the family. When an older member became too weak to work, the family took over in their well-being. That was a fact. But it is no longer the case. Old people are on their own these days. And for reasons stated above, if they're going to survive, they're going to play down their age. And sometimes, playing down one's age leads to drastic measures.
- Drastic measures -- plastic surgery, botox, fillers, personal trainers etc etc. Science has evolved in such a way that it can feed our deep desires for youth. So maybe back in the day, old people didn't want to look old, but who had the choice? Now, you do.
- And finally, old people aren't dying today. They live on and on and on, past the point where they are of any use to society. So as life prolongs, so does our desire to remain somewhat relevant to the world. No one wants to be forgotten in a corner. But for reasons stated above, that can very well happen. Cue in youth obsession.
2) Our Obsession with Money
Money, my friends, is a very deep rooted psychological element in every single human being's life. You can understand a lot about somebody's character by the way they deal with money. Back in our ancestors' day, we hunted and picked berries to survive and made our homes with animal skins and sticks. Today, we buy food and buy or rent our shelter. Money is a proxy for survival. At its most basic level, it represents protection, stability, home, health management and nourishment. And then there are the things that people say are unimportant but are treated with importance and are therefore, well, important. The superficial things if you will: having a nice life, going on vacation, going out to dinner, etc etc. It all adds up in the ciiiircle of life. Anytime someone says that money doesn't mean a lot to them, they are lying, point blank. Maybe they don't know they're lying, but they are. And when you encounter gold diggers, opportunists and social climbers, these people are likely more stressed out than others about their survival, though they are met with much criticism. I bet that on a scale that measures fear of death, these people would be at the extremity, as in "very fearful of death." So the next time you meet an opportunistic gold digger, just think about that a bit. I mean, maybe that person just doesn't want to die. I mean, God.
And in conclusion, there is no scientific evidence for any of the above.
There was a time, not so long ago, when my ability to connect with someone through music determined whether or not we would be friends. That is no longer the case, which is probably a good thing, but at the same time it was nice to have that one thing that I was passionate about, that very definite, absolute thing that allowed me to filter human beings into acceptable and unacceptable. Life changes these black and white definitions for us. It's never one thing that happens, it's just a gradual process, an unwinding of sorts, of your youthful integrity into this gray area of acceptance. And this is what people call "wisdom". Wisdom, while it helps control ones emotions and offers perspective, can really suck sometimes.
So in honor of that period of my life, I bring to you a list of chick music that defined my teenage, college, and immediate post-college existence. Chick music is a derogatory way of describing it since to me music is either good or it isn't, but since these artists are female, I will humor the dudes and other negatories who dismiss it as such.
1) Joni Mitchell
Most people by now recognize Joni's genius. She's become embittered enough that she is no longer the hippie flower child that she was perceived to be back in the day. Her songs were never very "hippie" but for some reason that's how she was viewed. She is a North American treasure (see how I did that? North American?). Joni never felt that she got the recognition she deserved and that might be true, but she had a very successful career, and who knows if she would have succeeded in today's world, sad as that may be. And she has her very own PBS American Masters documentary. In my world that means she's arrived. I can't remember if it was David Crosby or Graham Nash who, upon seeing her perform at the Bitter End, said "I just couldn't believe someone could be that good." I actually felt the exact same way when I first started listening to her.
2) Laura Nyro
Laura Nyro (rip) influenced the likes of Joni Mitchell which is an accomplishment in and of itself. She was a teenage prodigy, wrote the song "And When I Die" at the age of 17, and fused together folk and R&B with a little bit of jazz. I sang her classic song "Wedding Bell Blues" at my sister's wedding even though it's about a girl who is asking her boyfriend to marry her because he can't make up his mind. This year, Nyro was inducted in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. I don't think we'll hear another voice like hers and it will be a while before we see another talent like her.
3) Tori Amos
Tori Amos wrote four near-perfect albums in a row which is no small feat. I remember when her first legit album, Little Earthquakes, came out. Her first single was "Crucify" and I thought it was a total hack job. I was 15ish and felt the song was pretentious and the lyrics contrived. But when her second album, Under the Pink, came out I couldn't get enough of the song "Cornflake Girl" so I bought the album. I loved it so damn much that I ended up buying Little Earthquakes, which is actually a phenomenal album. And placed within all that context, I realized that Crucify is actually a great song. I went to see her live in Paris in the 90s and it was one of the best concerts, to this day, that I've ever been to. I remember her performance of Talula vividly, I felt exhilarated. She was the very definition of an exciting artist back then. I'm sure she's still exciting, but I'm older and more numb in general.
4) Kate Bush
Who says Tori and Joni and Laura has to also say Kate Bush, yes? Can't love the others without loving Kate. The way I'd describe her is innovative, brave, experimental (minus the boring aspect of what that word entails).
5) Ani Di Franco
Ani is one of the best female guitar players I know. She plays really complex stuff and slaps her way through it. She's also a great lyricist and writes things like "I am not a pretty girl, that is not what I DO" which basically describes a whole generation of women in just a few words. You want the voice of a generation? You've got one. Of course, this means that you have a slew of female singer/songwriters who copied her but can never be as good as the original. In the early 2000s I started seeing Ani copycats at open mikes with their vibrato-throaty voice and fuck-off lyrics. Of course, it was less subtle and could never be as good, but their imitation was a kind of reverence.
6) Neko Case
The discovery of Neko Case on David Dye's World Cafe breathed new life into me in the late 2000s. She inspired me to sing and write, which by that point had become scarce. I've seen her in concert three times, and every time I do, I pick up my guitar afterwards. She has a rare gift for melody and one of the best voices in popular music.
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And in conclusion, while I'm very happy for progress and all my digital music stored neatly in three places, I miss the ritual of going to the record store, browsing for a long time, settling on a purchase, bringing it home and slowly discovering an album. I think one of the reasons I don't know today's music that well is because when I bought a CD I put in real effort to listen and like it. Nowadays, I don't really have the time nor the patience, a function of age, but also, technology.
