I've got lists, too

It's the last day of 2013. Tomorrow, I will wake up in 2014 feeling exactly the same. But I s'pose these rituals are important to humans. They are drinking enablers. I'm in the mood for list making because everyone else is doing it and I'm a follower, a lieutenant, an executer, so I will provide you with some lists. These lists are going to be all over the place, just fyi. They're just gonna magically pop into my head as I write them. Just watch. 

Disclaimer: there might be some overlap with other lists in this blog.

Songs in history I wish I'd written
In order for me to wish I'd written it, I must imagine myself on stage singing my heart out to an adoring audience. I must find myself in a transformed state. The song changes my mood from numb and indifferent to totally inspired. It's a song that I am incapable of writing. That is the criteria of this category.


1. T'Pau: Heart n' Soul

A perfect song in every way: great beat, great vocal that goes just beyond the limit of what I'm capable of (unless I work hard at stretching my voice, which has been known to happen). And in your face, like, what the fuck, give a little bit of heart and soul goddammit you motherfucker.


2. Simple Minds: Alive and Kicking

His voice would be hard to replicate for a female like me. But you see where Eddie Vedder might have been inspired. See that?

3. Neko Case: Set Out Running

I wish I'd written all of Neko Case's songs. But this one is particularly perfect. Especially the part towards the end:

Swallow that horizon
Hunger beyond hunger
T'il the cloudy blue Pacific took the air
In my lungs

If you read this blog at all, you owe it to me to discover some of Neko's albums.

4. Whitney Houston: The Greatest Love of All

Before all the drama and the drugs, before crazytown, before her death, Whitney was one of the greatest pop singers of all time. While her voice was powerful, she sings this with a lot of subtlety, class and intelligence. Therein lies the difference between her and many non-descript vocalists. Admittedly, this song brings a tear to my eye. I'm not made of stone, k? Remember that.

5. SWV: I'm So Into You

Every part of this song could be made into a separate hip hop beat. There are hooks everywhere. I love this group, the way they use their vocal ability with restraint and confidence to create such a tight sound. 

6. Dion: The Wanderer


Dion. Oh Dion. The voice, the song. Who at some point has not fantasized about total freedom, no attachments and just being a complete asshole. Me. I will raise my hand to that.



7. Bruce Springsteen: Backstreets

This may be -- if I was forced to pick with a gun to my head -- my favorite Springsteen song. A mix of Elvis and Bob Dylan, the melody and the poetry. It's just, well, it's just completely insane to write something like this:

Where dancers scrape the tears up off the streets
dressed down in rags
Running into the darkness, some hurt bad some really dying
At night sometimes it seems you could see that whole damn city crying

Ugh, this list could just go on and on. I give up.

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So this year I started to watch sports. Not just the big games, but all the in between games, trying to understand the rules of American Football. I watched the college games, the NFL games, ESPN's 30 for 30 documentary series (which is really good), and if they had been televised, I would have watched the high school games. What I discovered is that the rules of football are hard. Sure, you have the basics, but there are so many mini rules, so many plays possible, that unless you started learning when you were a kid, it's almost a full time job trying to understand this shit. 

You know what else I discovered? Ads targeting men are so much better than the ones targeting women. Men get budweiser commercials. Women get those damn Dove Sketches. I know for a fact (because it's been scientifically proven) that I find myself about 5% more attractive than what I am in reality. If you want to see how stereotypes are reinforced, look no further than the line that divides ads for men and ads for women. Ads for men are funny and entertaining. Women's ads are serious and boring. That's an oversimplification obviously. 

You know which ads I really like? The ones that show the history of the company. I know a lot of companies shy away from looking back at the past because they think it will give people the impression that they're not forward looking, but I wholeheartedly disagree. I love to see the role that a company played in advancing the world. Nostalgia creates instant emotional connection. It's a drug. Even if it was before your time, everyone loves to think of times when things seemed simpler (even if they weren't). Nostalgia, as they say, is masturbation of the mind. The past is "cool," it's hip. You can create an emotional tie to your brand by using it wisely.

Christmas this year made me feel gross. I couldn't see another commercial of people dancing and singing about the lowlow prices of useless crap at department store X without wanting to take a shower. The advertising around christmas/holiday gift giving is the worst peer pressure I've ever experienced, i.e. you're only as good as the presents you give. I think we need some collective Christmas sorbet and cleanse the BS that this holiday has become. I'm not saying we should be all lovey dovey and say Christmas is about being with the ones you love, but recognize that the holidays are a time when the world out there gives everyone permission to take some time off from life. Like all together. Without someone at work covering your projects and hating you for it. This might be the closest thing to time standing still we're ever gonna have, and it's really the greatest gift of all.

And with that, happy New Year.

My Favorite Female Characters (of a certain kind)

There are a lot great roles out there for women. I know women complain that there aren't, but then try being Asian or Indian, there are like two roles out there for them. No, women have had some great parts in the movies, don't deny it. But this list is more focused on female characters of a certain kind. The funny, quirky, awkward and angsty kind. The First World/White people problems kind. The kind that has the best one liners. Admittedly, they are often teenagers. In no particular order:


1) Mina Tannenbaum

We grow up with Mina and her "best friend" Ethel in the 60s and 70s. She is an awkward girl just trying to fit in and get noticed by the cool kids. We forget that it was sort of hard to grow up Jewish in Paris at that time since the French are closet anti-semites. And Mina is Parisian Jewish neurotica at its best, complete with an inner dialogue that berates everything she does and says. Perhaps the most tragic character of all my favorites. Also, this is a French film.







2)  Charlotte of "Mermaids"

Please God don't let me fall in love and want to do disgusting things...
Dear God, I love the way he throws.

Another Jewish girl! Charlotte feels like the adult of her household, led by the fun loving, if a little too sexy and sassy, Cher. Of course, she's just a teenager who has merely found another way to be young. 








3) Juno

You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away
babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them
in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.

Before the backlash, there was Juno. She is awesome. We all know this even if we don't want to admit it. Every girl secretly wants to be her, every guy secretly wants to date her. She doesn't exist, she can't exist, but that is why there is a movie in her name. 









4) France Ha

Sometimes it's good to do what you're supposed to do
when you're supposed to do it.

27, livingish in New York City, struggling dancer and is so far from having her shit together you almost feel good about the fact that you work in Corporate America and have your own shit together (on thin paper). Except while Frances is dealt blows, she somehow retains her optimism, buoyed perhaps by unrealistic hopes, quirkiness and her rambling social awkwardness (which is of course, way more insightful than what other idiots-who-have-their-shit-together say). You wish you had her resilience and her ability to lie when shit is at its worst. 


5) Rayanne Graf (My So Called Life)

Last year that rumor about me and Mark Cameron,
the orchestra pit, I mean in that case it was true but...
man all the conversation, people writing notes and the- they
look at you different trying to figure out who you really are, like
you're famous. Admit it, it's really great.

While we all thought we were Angela Chase (Angela Chase, c'est moi), we wanted to be the bold, the awesome, the original, Rayanne Graf. Plus Angela got really damn sanctimonious with her after the whole Jordan Catallano incident, which annoyed me quite a bit. 

She was flawed, she was funny, she had inimitable style. I loved this girl.

6) Veronica (Heathers)

I can’t believe this is my life. Oh my God. I’m gonna have to send
my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

Half the reason I love Veronica is because I discovered this movie on my own at around midnight when I was 11 years old. I felt really special. But yes, before it all spins out of control, Veronica has some of the best lines in this category. 





7) Norah (Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist)

 I will not be a goody bag at your pity party, Nick.

Another Jew! Norah has very superfluous problems. She's rich, she's pretty, she got into Brown. But she's nice, has some solid lines, she likes music and most importantly, she spends the one night in New York City that I've always wished for myself. I've come close, but no cigar. Let's throw Nick in too. He's just one of the girls.


8) Deb from Napoleon Dynamite

... And here we have some boondoggle key chains.
A must-have for this season's fashion.

Most of these other girls I've listed claim to be nerds, or losers, or at least, they are totally self-deprecating. But let's face it, they are all hot and cool. Now Deb, on the other hand she is the real deal. She is a bonafide nerd. She owns that nerdiness and wears it with pride. And you know she's gonna go on to be something amazing when she grows up. 



9) Watts (Some Kind of Wonderful)

Keith... you're losing it. And when it's lost, all you are is a loser.

In another era, Watts might have been a lesbian. But instead she is a tomboy who hides her sensitivity and love for her best friend, Keith. As someone who grew up a sensitive tomboy, I found her incredibly likable and mizundastood. But she likes being misunderstood, she revels in it. It's like Miley Cyrus and all them haters. What would we do without the haters y'all? Of course, there's a happy ending.