The Constant Graduation

What is it with the exponential growth of graduation ceremonies across America? How many different educational levels does one need to graduate from?

Also, where do I get me a kid who is graduating because everyone is using that as an excuse to miss work right now.

I had two graduations in my lifetime. One when I went from 5th to 6th grade, I was changing buildings so I guess this was a sort of big deal, and another from college.

The only person in my family who came to my college graduation was my mom. That's it. I'm not proud of this fact, I don't wear it with a badge of honor or anything, but back then, I didn't think it was a really big deal, and it didn't bother me that the whole family didn't come. (Now I realize how messed up that was).

Now that I see all these graduations occurring, from kindergarden, pre-school, middle school, Junior High, High School, and how important it is to the entire family, including grandparents -- as important as say, a wedding-- I'm starting to wonder if I've been jiiped of the graduation experience. 

At the same time, I tend to think graduation is more for the parents than for the kid. The parents are graduating from not paying exorbitant tuition, they know what they're really celebrating, the kids on the other don't really know what hit them, and most importantly what's coming next (unless it's a consulting or investment banking gig). I also always found it weird when my parents came into my school universe. On one hand, I was really happy to show them my world and introduce them to friends, it made telling my stories at home easier and got me intelligent commentary from my mom (oh, forget about so and so, he's 19 and basically the only thing he cares about is sex), on the other, I was happy when they left. 

There's something that Americans do exceptionally well and that is ceremony. No one manages to bring more gravitas to anything than the US. No one markets that ceremony to the masses better than the US either. Graduation is pure marketing genius. And multiplying the number of graduations is pure marketing genius. Sure, it's great to mark the rite of passage, these things are important, but to me, a non-parent (disclaimer), the whole graduation phenomenon seems excessive. One does not need to graduate four times before college. The more you graduate, the less weight it has when it actually means something. And won't the kids who are constantly graduating now expect something of the sort later on in life? And who's gonna tell them that it's not gonna happen every four years, but maybe once or twice in a lifetime? Young people always seem kind of entitled to the older generation. Initially, I didn't think that was all that true because I too was young once and thought I was awesome and un-entitled of course. I'm from Gen X, I always worked diligently and didn't ask for much in return (that was totally my bad), and maybe my elders thought me entitled (except I so wasn't). But it's true, now that I'm old(er), I can see and feel the young folks' entitlement. I've sat with other Gen Xers over the last few years marveling at the extent younger generations can't seem to just deal, plus they complain and ask for performance reviews and a promotion every 6 seconds. Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know. But one thing's for certain, young entitlement is no sham. And I think it's because they had, like, 12 graduations.

Mitch Hedberg

I was always bummed that I never got to see Mitch Hedberg, the pot-head comedian, live. He died too soon of Heroin (so, maybe I should call him Heroin Head). Anyway, here are some Hedberg quotes that are awesome. 

1. Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

2. I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

3. It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. 

4. Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you're an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

5. My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

6. That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

7. I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. 

8. I am wearing a vest. If i had no arms it would be a jacket

9. I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

10. I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. 

11. I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

RIP