On Elevators

By now, much has been written about the awkwardness of elevators. Elevator talk is a product of our modern era and unless you're a master politician, it is often contrived if you're in there with mere acquaintances. But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the politics of holding the elevator for someone trying to squeeze in at the last minute.

There are those that go out of their way to hold the door for people, and risk their lives doing so. 
When I'm on an elevator full of people and the doors are closing and some idiot decides to hold the door for someone who is trying to make the elevator last minute, well, I curse him or her heavily under my breath. Because that person is holding up a cart full of people, already sweating and feeling awkward from invaded personal space and probably already late for a meeting. Why would you willingly piss off a whole bunch of people for one stupid stranger you might not ever see again? Well, Diane, you might say, this is America, and in America we lend a helping hand to our neighbors. Well, I reply, not only are you inconveniencing a group of people, you are also endangering yourself by sticking your body part out the door. LET THE DOORS CLOSE GODDAMIT. Elevators are not meant to be messed around with, people have died in elevator accidents and I'm not dying because you want to prove to society that you're a gentleman (or woman). Feel free to do that on your own time. 


In fact there are two sorts of elevator riders, the ones who keep doors open and the ones who either close them or let nature take it's course. I am the latter. But you should understand that I truly believe it's better for the elevator riding population in the long run. It's kind of a belief system akin to being a Republican or a Democrat. When it comes to elevator politics, I'm a Republican. 

I've definitely done this.

You should also know that I'm no hypocrite. I do not expect anyone to hold up a crowded elevator for me, in fact, I avoid this at all costs. Because it's such ingrained behavior, sometimes people can't help themselves from holding the door. I try to help them. I walk slower, I become more vague in my direction, I turn around even. Sometimes, this doesn't work though, and I'm forced to begrudgingly say "thank you" to the person for gallantly holding the door. Let this be a cry for elevator help. I will not go out of my way to hold a door, nor do I expect you to. Deal?

I'm no fashionista but...

With every new fashion trend, there are infinite possibilities of Faux Pas'. While Fashion has become somewhat democratic with the advent of cool stores like H&M, Zara and Top Shop, it is rare for me to walk in the street -- by street I mean midtown -- and feel that people are "getting it right."

Let's start with the trend itself. Some of them are just plain shit. These are traps you must avoid at all costs. A few come to mind:

• Uggs
• Boots with peep toe
• Slingbacks (I see no point exposing the ugliest part of the foot)
• Boots that are half boot, half sandal
• cropped ballet sweaters (luckily only lasted one season)
• gypsy skirts

To name a few (that I can think of). Yes, these are just fashion's way of getting you to spend your hard earned money on stuff you will hate later. You have to understand that these ugly trends only look good on models because everything looks good on models, that's what they get paid for, to make ugly shit look good. 

And then, there are trends that are really cool that inspire very ugly derivatives at lower costs. Here are a few I've seen people get wrong:

Over the Knee. Gag.

• Skinny jeans or leggings tucked into riding boots. I love this trend, it is my everyday uniform. I hope it never goes away. And yet, I see people around me with the wrong kind of flat boot, the wrong kind of jean tuck and it makes the whole outfit wrong. Take for instance the Robin Hood over the knee boot. It is quite possibly the ugliest thing I've ever seen on a human, and yet people have fallen victim to this unflattering look. You're not going on a fly fishing trip, or stealing from the rich to give to the poor, or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Give this one up, folks.
• In general, boots that look like they belong in the medieval era are pretty much out for me.
• Regular pants tucked into boots: When fabric protrudes or bunches up at the top of the boot, then it's just plain shit. It looks like the boot is only there for temporary purposes on one's way to work, for instance, before the "real shoes" come on. 
• The engineer ankle boot and the western style ankle boot. I love this look. After many years of jeans tucked into high shaft boots, we needed an alternative, and this offers a good counterpoint. Finally, shoes! And with this shoe, it doesn't matter if pants do all sorts of funky things down at the bottom. But then, people wear boots that are made to look old and weathered. Some people wear boots that have like, pre-fabricated creases in them. This is so wrong and so ugly I can barely deal. And I don't even care about fashion, so if I can't deal, just imagine how other people who care do. 
• And finally, boots that have spikes coming out of the heel. Or spikes anywhere for that matter. I have a phobia of lots of little things bunched up together, some say it's because it reminds me of disease, so I feel a little nauseated when I look at these boots.

Pre Fab Creases

Shudder

And now for some seriousness

1) This documentary about rape in the military

I watched this on my plane ride back from Nevis and experienced "altitude tears," a term I coined a while back to explain my incessant crying during films I watch on planes. It's about the exorbitant number of sexual assault and rape that occurs in the military. Obviously this affects mostly women, but it does actually occur with men as well. In fact, it's a little like prison in that way. The military is a parallel universe where civilian laws do not apply to the individuals serving. But this documentary also makes it out to be an upside down universe, where sexual predators are rewarded and their victims punished. The film explains that the military attracts men who are pre-disposed to being rapists because they know that their actions will go largely unnoticed, under-reported, unpunished. That reminds me of another parallel universe that serves the needs of sexual predators in a very similar way: the Catholic church. Yes, the military is to rapists of women and men what the clergy is to pedophiles, a place to hide and do harm. This is not to denigrate the thousands of men who serve honorably or the priests who do good work, but unfortunately, the fact that these professions attract bad people casts a very dark shadow on what should be two of the more honorable professions we have in the world. 

See the movie and after you do so, visit this website.

2) This movie about a public school substitute teacher

This movie centers around a substitute teacher (Adrian Brody) who is hired for a month long assignment at a Public School somewhere in America-- looks like the Bronx. Since it was directed by Tony Kaye, who is most famous for directing the amazing American History X, it is really quite depressing. So much so that I experienced altitude tears during this film as well. But it's also really good. Even though it seems to borrow a bit from Half Nelson (the Ryan Gossling teacher movie), it's definitely different. Or at least, it's been a while since I've seen Half Nelson and I really liked that movie so it makes sense that I would like this one. And it's depressing because it focuses on teachers who are losing it because the kids they teach are teens who are angry and neglected and/or emotionally abused by their parents and then take it out on their teachers and themselves. Sometimes I wonder why the disaffected have children. What's the point? It's like they want other people to suffer as much as they do so they procreate. Or something. 

3) A throwback to the olden days: Temple of the Dog

I never tire of the album Temple of the Dog ever since it came out in the early 90s. Nowadays, it just feels like an old friend that I listen to every now and then, but back in the grunge era, it was one of the MOST IMPORTANT ALBUMS OF MY LIFE. It was a combo Soundgarden-Pearl Jam project that was produced as a tribute to the late Andy Wood, the lead singer of Mother Love Bone who died of a heroine overdose. His band became Pearl Jam when Eddie Vedder joined, and the rest is history. Chris Cornell was Andy Wood's roommate in Seattle. See how I know this stuff like I just read it yesterday? That knowledge has been in my brain since 1992.