On Elevators

By now, much has been written about the awkwardness of elevators. Elevator talk is a product of our modern era and unless you're a master politician, it is often contrived if you're in there with mere acquaintances. But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the politics of holding the elevator for someone trying to squeeze in at the last minute.

There are those that go out of their way to hold the door for people, and risk their lives doing so. 
When I'm on an elevator full of people and the doors are closing and some idiot decides to hold the door for someone who is trying to make the elevator last minute, well, I curse him or her heavily under my breath. Because that person is holding up a cart full of people, already sweating and feeling awkward from invaded personal space and probably already late for a meeting. Why would you willingly piss off a whole bunch of people for one stupid stranger you might not ever see again? Well, Diane, you might say, this is America, and in America we lend a helping hand to our neighbors. Well, I reply, not only are you inconveniencing a group of people, you are also endangering yourself by sticking your body part out the door. LET THE DOORS CLOSE GODDAMIT. Elevators are not meant to be messed around with, people have died in elevator accidents and I'm not dying because you want to prove to society that you're a gentleman (or woman). Feel free to do that on your own time. 


In fact there are two sorts of elevator riders, the ones who keep doors open and the ones who either close them or let nature take it's course. I am the latter. But you should understand that I truly believe it's better for the elevator riding population in the long run. It's kind of a belief system akin to being a Republican or a Democrat. When it comes to elevator politics, I'm a Republican. 

I've definitely done this.

You should also know that I'm no hypocrite. I do not expect anyone to hold up a crowded elevator for me, in fact, I avoid this at all costs. Because it's such ingrained behavior, sometimes people can't help themselves from holding the door. I try to help them. I walk slower, I become more vague in my direction, I turn around even. Sometimes, this doesn't work though, and I'm forced to begrudgingly say "thank you" to the person for gallantly holding the door. Let this be a cry for elevator help. I will not go out of my way to hold a door, nor do I expect you to. Deal?