Mitch Hedberg

I was always bummed that I never got to see Mitch Hedberg, the pot-head comedian, live. He died too soon of Heroin (so, maybe I should call him Heroin Head). Anyway, here are some Hedberg quotes that are awesome. 

1. Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

2. I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

3. It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. 

4. Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you're an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

5. My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

6. That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

7. I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. 

8. I am wearing a vest. If i had no arms it would be a jacket

9. I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

10. I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. 

11. I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

RIP