How To Write a Fluff Piece in Ten Easy Steps

I was thinking about my dislike of celebrity culture the other day, and I realized that the celebrities themselves might be cool people (maybe), but what irks me more is the media coverage of celebrity culture, the fluff pieces you read in magazines. I've actually stopped reading them all together because they all seem very formulaic and uninteresting. They remind me of those "live from the red-carpet" segments when the same questions and answers are repeated over and over and celebrities are circulated around like on a conveyor belt in a Ford factory (What are you wearing? Marchesa and my necklace is from Harry Winston. Next!). Watching those shows is a light form of torture. And the other thing I've realized is that none of this approaches anything that could remotely be considered authentic or real in any way, i.e. this is not actual reporting but the Soylent Green version of reporting. Whenever I have intimate knowledge of something or someone that then gets covered in the media, I realize just how twisted the story gets. Reporters focus on one detail that might not be a big deal to your real knowledge but gets blown out of proportion in the story. So whenever you read an article about anything, just know that you are getting a perverse version of the "facts."


To that end, I posted this a long time ago to a far away blog, that's still live on the internets, about how to write a celebrity fluff piece. I think it must still be relevant today (right, people who read them?).

How To Write a Fluff Piece in Ten Easy Steps

1) Start with a physical trait: Celebrity X's blonde hair is tied in a loose ponytail, her bangs fall gently on her face. She is make-up- free but still drop-dead gorgeous.

ALT: Celebrity Y is looking casual in jeans and a T-shirt, his hair scruffy and unwashed, but still drop-dead gorgeous.

2) Then go into some random stupid quote: "I hate sushi" Celebrity X says as she plops down on the seat next to me at LA's Chateau Marmont.

ALT: "Architecture is fascinating" Celebrity Y says as he takes a bite from his hamburger deluxe at [insert celebrity hang-out here].

3) Then talk about Celebrity's career thus far and why they are so rich and famous: With three hit movies under her belt, Celebrity X is now commanding $5 million a picture.

Alt: With two platinum records in two years, Celebrity Y is a record exec's wet dream.

4) Then talk about how down-to-earth and humble Celebrity is, despite major success: You would think that with all the attention, fame would start getting to Celebrity X's head. But not Celebrity X. She prefers quiet evenings at home watching TV with her dog, to rubbing elbows with the A list: "I'm a total Top Chef geek!" she exclaims in a very down-to-earth manner.

Alt: You would think that Celebrity Y would be a pain in the ass to work with like all those other A-list celebrities who are currently busy being so down-to-earth in competitors' magazines, but not Celebrity Y: "He is a joy to have around, says Director X, he really has his two feet firmly on the ground."

5) Talk about Celebrity's "craft" and insert quotes from famous director that Celebrity has worked with: "Celebrity X can show a steely strength, yet at the very same time incredible vulnerability, she has a great range of emotions to draw from.

6) Talk about upcoming project: Celebrity X is ecstatic about her character in movie X. This is a real chance for her to show her acting chops. "I love that this character is a strong woman, yet she has so much vulnerability buried deep inside."

ALT: Celebrity Y's new album is a departure from his last effort, more conceptual, deeper. His devoted fans might be in for a surprise.

7) Talk about personal life: Celebrity will go into long tirade about why he/she is being a douche/bitch about not answering the friggin' question about his/her love life: Celebrity X is cautious when I approach the topic of her current beau: "It's personal and I need to keep that side of my life private. For a long time, if I was in love, I was very open about sharing it with the public, but I learned that this can be damaging, not only to me, but also to the person I'm with. I want to keep it special, you know?".

8) If Celebrity is old enough, talk about how rehab saved his/her life.

9) If Celebrity is into politics, talk about upcoming election, but not too much. Celebrity will probably be an Obama supporter.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ask Celebrity why he/she supports Obama. Celebrity might implode.

10) Talk about projects coming down the pike. End on an elusive note that shows that you "get" Celebrity's personality: And something tells me, she knows exactly how she's going to get it. 

That's how it's done. You can basically write a fluff piece without interviewing the actual person if you're in a real rush. 


On a side note, what's with all the Facebook photos of people posing with mustaches on a stick? Is that, like, a thing now? I don't know why, but it kind of grosses me out. Don't ask me why, I just don't know. Probably has something to do with germs.