I've got lists, too

It's the last day of 2013. Tomorrow, I will wake up in 2014 feeling exactly the same. But I s'pose these rituals are important to humans. They are drinking enablers. I'm in the mood for list making because everyone else is doing it and I'm a follower, a lieutenant, an executer, so I will provide you with some lists. These lists are going to be all over the place, just fyi. They're just gonna magically pop into my head as I write them. Just watch. 

Disclaimer: there might be some overlap with other lists in this blog.

Songs in history I wish I'd written
In order for me to wish I'd written it, I must imagine myself on stage singing my heart out to an adoring audience. I must find myself in a transformed state. The song changes my mood from numb and indifferent to totally inspired. It's a song that I am incapable of writing. That is the criteria of this category.


1. T'Pau: Heart n' Soul

A perfect song in every way: great beat, great vocal that goes just beyond the limit of what I'm capable of (unless I work hard at stretching my voice, which has been known to happen). And in your face, like, what the fuck, give a little bit of heart and soul goddammit you motherfucker.


2. Simple Minds: Alive and Kicking

His voice would be hard to replicate for a female like me. But you see where Eddie Vedder might have been inspired. See that?

3. Neko Case: Set Out Running

I wish I'd written all of Neko Case's songs. But this one is particularly perfect. Especially the part towards the end:

Swallow that horizon
Hunger beyond hunger
T'il the cloudy blue Pacific took the air
In my lungs

If you read this blog at all, you owe it to me to discover some of Neko's albums.

4. Whitney Houston: The Greatest Love of All

Before all the drama and the drugs, before crazytown, before her death, Whitney was one of the greatest pop singers of all time. While her voice was powerful, she sings this with a lot of subtlety, class and intelligence. Therein lies the difference between her and many non-descript vocalists. Admittedly, this song brings a tear to my eye. I'm not made of stone, k? Remember that.

5. SWV: I'm So Into You

Every part of this song could be made into a separate hip hop beat. There are hooks everywhere. I love this group, the way they use their vocal ability with restraint and confidence to create such a tight sound. 

6. Dion: The Wanderer


Dion. Oh Dion. The voice, the song. Who at some point has not fantasized about total freedom, no attachments and just being a complete asshole. Me. I will raise my hand to that.



7. Bruce Springsteen: Backstreets

This may be -- if I was forced to pick with a gun to my head -- my favorite Springsteen song. A mix of Elvis and Bob Dylan, the melody and the poetry. It's just, well, it's just completely insane to write something like this:

Where dancers scrape the tears up off the streets
dressed down in rags
Running into the darkness, some hurt bad some really dying
At night sometimes it seems you could see that whole damn city crying

Ugh, this list could just go on and on. I give up.

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So this year I started to watch sports. Not just the big games, but all the in between games, trying to understand the rules of American Football. I watched the college games, the NFL games, ESPN's 30 for 30 documentary series (which is really good), and if they had been televised, I would have watched the high school games. What I discovered is that the rules of football are hard. Sure, you have the basics, but there are so many mini rules, so many plays possible, that unless you started learning when you were a kid, it's almost a full time job trying to understand this shit. 

You know what else I discovered? Ads targeting men are so much better than the ones targeting women. Men get budweiser commercials. Women get those damn Dove Sketches. I know for a fact (because it's been scientifically proven) that I find myself about 5% more attractive than what I am in reality. If you want to see how stereotypes are reinforced, look no further than the line that divides ads for men and ads for women. Ads for men are funny and entertaining. Women's ads are serious and boring. That's an oversimplification obviously. 

You know which ads I really like? The ones that show the history of the company. I know a lot of companies shy away from looking back at the past because they think it will give people the impression that they're not forward looking, but I wholeheartedly disagree. I love to see the role that a company played in advancing the world. Nostalgia creates instant emotional connection. It's a drug. Even if it was before your time, everyone loves to think of times when things seemed simpler (even if they weren't). Nostalgia, as they say, is masturbation of the mind. The past is "cool," it's hip. You can create an emotional tie to your brand by using it wisely.

Christmas this year made me feel gross. I couldn't see another commercial of people dancing and singing about the lowlow prices of useless crap at department store X without wanting to take a shower. The advertising around christmas/holiday gift giving is the worst peer pressure I've ever experienced, i.e. you're only as good as the presents you give. I think we need some collective Christmas sorbet and cleanse the BS that this holiday has become. I'm not saying we should be all lovey dovey and say Christmas is about being with the ones you love, but recognize that the holidays are a time when the world out there gives everyone permission to take some time off from life. Like all together. Without someone at work covering your projects and hating you for it. This might be the closest thing to time standing still we're ever gonna have, and it's really the greatest gift of all.

And with that, happy New Year.

My Favorite Female Characters (of a certain kind)

There are a lot great roles out there for women. I know women complain that there aren't, but then try being Asian or Indian, there are like two roles out there for them. No, women have had some great parts in the movies, don't deny it. But this list is more focused on female characters of a certain kind. The funny, quirky, awkward and angsty kind. The First World/White people problems kind. The kind that has the best one liners. Admittedly, they are often teenagers. In no particular order:


1) Mina Tannenbaum

We grow up with Mina and her "best friend" Ethel in the 60s and 70s. She is an awkward girl just trying to fit in and get noticed by the cool kids. We forget that it was sort of hard to grow up Jewish in Paris at that time since the French are closet anti-semites. And Mina is Parisian Jewish neurotica at its best, complete with an inner dialogue that berates everything she does and says. Perhaps the most tragic character of all my favorites. Also, this is a French film.







2)  Charlotte of "Mermaids"

Please God don't let me fall in love and want to do disgusting things...
Dear God, I love the way he throws.

Another Jewish girl! Charlotte feels like the adult of her household, led by the fun loving, if a little too sexy and sassy, Cher. Of course, she's just a teenager who has merely found another way to be young. 








3) Juno

You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away
babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them
in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.

Before the backlash, there was Juno. She is awesome. We all know this even if we don't want to admit it. Every girl secretly wants to be her, every guy secretly wants to date her. She doesn't exist, she can't exist, but that is why there is a movie in her name. 









4) France Ha

Sometimes it's good to do what you're supposed to do
when you're supposed to do it.

27, livingish in New York City, struggling dancer and is so far from having her shit together you almost feel good about the fact that you work in Corporate America and have your own shit together (on thin paper). Except while Frances is dealt blows, she somehow retains her optimism, buoyed perhaps by unrealistic hopes, quirkiness and her rambling social awkwardness (which is of course, way more insightful than what other idiots-who-have-their-shit-together say). You wish you had her resilience and her ability to lie when shit is at its worst. 


5) Rayanne Graf (My So Called Life)

Last year that rumor about me and Mark Cameron,
the orchestra pit, I mean in that case it was true but...
man all the conversation, people writing notes and the- they
look at you different trying to figure out who you really are, like
you're famous. Admit it, it's really great.

While we all thought we were Angela Chase (Angela Chase, c'est moi), we wanted to be the bold, the awesome, the original, Rayanne Graf. Plus Angela got really damn sanctimonious with her after the whole Jordan Catallano incident, which annoyed me quite a bit. 

She was flawed, she was funny, she had inimitable style. I loved this girl.

6) Veronica (Heathers)

I can’t believe this is my life. Oh my God. I’m gonna have to send
my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

Half the reason I love Veronica is because I discovered this movie on my own at around midnight when I was 11 years old. I felt really special. But yes, before it all spins out of control, Veronica has some of the best lines in this category. 





7) Norah (Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist)

 I will not be a goody bag at your pity party, Nick.

Another Jew! Norah has very superfluous problems. She's rich, she's pretty, she got into Brown. But she's nice, has some solid lines, she likes music and most importantly, she spends the one night in New York City that I've always wished for myself. I've come close, but no cigar. Let's throw Nick in too. He's just one of the girls.


8) Deb from Napoleon Dynamite

... And here we have some boondoggle key chains.
A must-have for this season's fashion.

Most of these other girls I've listed claim to be nerds, or losers, or at least, they are totally self-deprecating. But let's face it, they are all hot and cool. Now Deb, on the other hand she is the real deal. She is a bonafide nerd. She owns that nerdiness and wears it with pride. And you know she's gonna go on to be something amazing when she grows up. 



9) Watts (Some Kind of Wonderful)

Keith... you're losing it. And when it's lost, all you are is a loser.

In another era, Watts might have been a lesbian. But instead she is a tomboy who hides her sensitivity and love for her best friend, Keith. As someone who grew up a sensitive tomboy, I found her incredibly likable and mizundastood. But she likes being misunderstood, she revels in it. It's like Miley Cyrus and all them haters. What would we do without the haters y'all? Of course, there's a happy ending. 

The 12 most over-posted pics in no particular order

This post has been done by other people, but who cares right? Here is a list of pictures you and your friends over-post on social media:

1.
The Don't Walk/Walk schizophrenic photo

I haven't seen this one appear in a little while, but for a time, it was just a hoot to see the New York street signal just not know what to decide. Should you stay or should you go? Mixed signals? Hahahahahahahahahahaha.





2.
The TSA snow globe prohibition photo 

Also one that I haven't seen for some time, but when that thing first appeared it was posted over and over again. Just HilAHrious.












3.
The feet on the beach or other vacation spot photo

This is posted to signify that you are in a state of relaxation and shouldn't y'all feel jealous about that. I can't pretend to love feet. Have you no humility? Post your shoes, that's cool, but not your disgusting feet.







4.
It's what's for dinner photo

Either you've cooked an amazing meal and want to show off your skillz, or you're at an amazing restaurant and must take a pic of the food that has been bestowed upon you. Honestly, like the insane popularity of Farmville, I just didn't see this one coming.




5.
The pregnant belly shot.


Always good to see that you have the biological ability to be fertilized.














6.
The looking up at buildings shot.

There's really nothing I can say about this shot except that human beings everywhere take it.









7.
The selfish Selfie

'Sup bitches!

It took 7 years to come up with the term to describe that ultimate glorification of self. So simple and so true. We are the only people who matter.










8. 
The beach

How many photos of the beach and ocean can I post on facebook? So so so so so so so so so many. 



























9. 
The Sunset

The sister of the beach shot.
















10.
The red equal sign

Good for human rights, bad for Facebook stalking. When your friend talks about a hot girl he met at a bar the other night, you say "pics or it didn't happen," he goes on to FB for proof. This is the only photo he finds. How the hell can I believe him then? 

Also, what happens when you want to change your profile pic back to one of yourself (the only person who matters)? How awkward. It's like, hey guys, I'm done believing in equality. You're on your own.


11.
The just-take-my-word-for-it concert shot

Believe me when I say that this was Jay Z,




and this was Rush at Barclays Center. K?

12.

The everything is covered in snow shot! Holy shit!

Coming soon to a facebook feed near you.

Is Neko Case Famous Yet?

Neko Case released her 4th solo studio album a few months ago called The Worse Things Get, The Harder I fight, The Harder I fight, The More I Love You. It's awesome. It's great that she is finally really able to insert herself into her lyrics. Her artistic evolution is clear throughout the 4 albums, and I feel lucky to have experienced it practically as it occurred. She's the only artist I've seen in concert over four times. I "discovered" her on David Dye's World Cafe when her second solo album "Fox Confessor Brings the Flood" came out. She performed live on the show and I was pretty much hooked. I started covering her songs on my guitar and singing them at the occasional gig or random singing event. She has the ability to create intricate, beautiful melodies you didn't think were possible, and I am nothing if not a melody junkie. She also has one of the best voices in rock/pop/country whatever your genre, she's got it. She laughingly says that she wishes she had a tremolo. I hope she's joking because I'm seriously sick of girl singers who overuse their tremolos like their lives depended on it. Someone told me to check out the artist Lorde and I finally got around to it recently. Perhaps I didn't give her much of a chance but when I heard her voice all I could think was again? Another non-descript tremolo chick? I don't want to sound like an old curmudgeony grandfather, but I'm having a hard time connecting with today's music. This might be partly due to the fact that I don't dedicate the time I once did to the discovery of music. When I was a teenager, most of my free time was spent in a record store, it gave me intense pleasure to build my music library one tape then one CD at a time, and admittedly, my relative vast knowledge of music comes from that era of my life. 

It's not all grim. I do dig other contemporaries like Cat Power, The Punch Brothers, Ray LaMontagne, Lady Gaga, Amos Lee, Adele sometimes, Beth Orton (is she contemporary), The National, Jason Mraz (his live stuff's amazing, his studio stuff doesn't hold a candle to it), The Darkness (are they contemporaries), that one Kings of Leon album, a couple of Black Keys songs; but no one, besides Neko, has really changed my life these days, and that's basically what I want from my music. I'm demanding, I know.

I went to her concert at Radio City this past September, which to be honest, was just ok. Not sure she was feeling the venue, or maybe I've seen her in concert too much. My bf, who likes her fine but not as much as me, and I got into a discussion about her. I was asking why Neko was not more famous. I know that she's got plenty of devoted fans, I know she makes a living off her music which in and of itself is awesome, but in my opinion, her songs are commercial enough to reach a wider audience. After all, she has the greatest gift of all: the gift of melody. But in his view, her music attracts an audience limited to the hipster Brooklyn type we all despise. He feels she is just ok and unoffensive. I guess that's the thing with music, it affects the most primal part of ourselves, so while there is certainly a lowest common denominator in what humans like, our physical and emotional compositions must be different enough that we respond differently to certain sounds. Sometimes critics make me laugh. They speak universally as if their opinion should be shared by all, but they should caveat their critiques and tell us who they are as people before telling me what I'm supposed to like.

Anyway, my issue is that while Case works so hard to make her music awesome, somehow she's not getting the attention she should from some of the big name artists that she could potentially collaborate with. Where is Jack White when you need him, huh? Off gallivanting with Loretta Lynn perhaps? Maybe she doesn't want that kind of attention, but to me it's a shame. She should be up there with the Loretta Lynns, Patsy Clines and Laura Nyros of the world. So I just hope that she becomes one of those people, sort of like Bonnie Raitt, who will sweep the Grammys when she's 50. She'd certainly deserve it.

I'm a dying breed
Who still believes
Haunted by American dreams.

So Formulaic

With the increasing need for online content, not only for the news media but also our own need to have an intelligent and controversial POV on everything, there is one formula that seems to just keep on giving: The "scandal", the backlash to the backlash, and finally, the let's-rehash-all-these-lashes-for-a-couple-of- months so we can generate some clicks and sell some advertising. 

Cases in point:

1. The Rolling Stone Boston Bomber cover
In the beginning, social media and some news blogs called total outrage over this cover. They felt that the picture of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev looking like a Jonas Brother on the cover of a music magazine was crossing some kind of journalistic line. Why not put one of the victims on your cover? They're heroes! Why give Tsarnaev a platform usually reserved for celebrities we adulate? Some claimed to have cancelled their subscriptions because of this cover. 

Personally, I didn't have this reaction. The fact that Tsarnaev looks sort of sexy in this shot is actually pretty interesting to me. He has legions of female fans (this happened before the cover), and what does that say about us or women, really? This is a thing to examine. Evil comes in all shapes and colors and can be a complex process; that's what this cover said to me. I think we need to be reminded of this constantly. Those who don't agree with me are wrong - it's not up for discussion as far as I'm concerned. Portraying the victims is fine, we always want our "heroes," but where's the psychological tension in that? They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Tsarnaev was deliberate. He was news. And Rolling Stone, believe it or not, is a news magazine with a pop culture bent. 

Ok, so now that that's off my chest, we can go on to the backlash to the backlash. After the first reaction of outrage, other news outlets then came out in defense of the Rolling Stone cover, some calling it absolutely brilliant, some reminding us of Charles Manson being on the cover back in the day etc. The conversation about this cover dragged on for over a week. Way to extend a story. And who won in the end? Rolling Stone Magazine whose sales doubled for that one issue alone. Jann Wenner, you effing genius.


2. The Miley Cyrus Twerking "Scandal" 

I can't remember where I was during the VMAs but I do remember that I started seeing "omg Miley's performance" popping up in my Facebook feed at a pretty rapid clip. Then came the media judgment: tasteless, objectification of women etc. My favorite was the article on how her performance was somehow racist. Something about Cyrus adopting black moves and playing with her blackground dancers like toys. Something about a minstrel show. What? Had this person never heard of Elvis? Eminem? Every white suburban kid in America listening to and completely internalizing hip hop?

When I finally watched the performance, I thought it was just a bad performance. I guess when you don't have talent, the best way to get attention is to try to shock people. In that respect it worked, though it appeared to me like a desperate move. My biggest issue was the tongue. Just lose the tongue dude, this is not going to become a thing. That and she's a terrible dancer and singer. The blasphemy in my opinion, is that we've let such a talentless person become so famous and now we're stuck with her. I know this is not a new phenomenon. 

And then came the "In Defense of Miley" stories. The ever-vocal "slut defenders", you know, the ones who are all: slut is not a derogatory term and it's a double standard etc, etc. 'Yawn,' uninteresting, overplayed. There were some who claimed conservatives were pissed because innocent Miley had grown into a sexual being. Then there was the Kanye West comment that Miley incessantly repeated afterward: he allegedly texted her that he thought she was one of the most interesting artists today, or something (typing that just made me very depressed). And there were other celebrity defenders saying it was brilliant (just think of the attention you can get!). The Miley twerking story is only now just dying down. All this while a mall in Kenya was under siege for four days. 

This little story gave Miley the platform to then land on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine and talk about "haters." Those ever present haters everywhere, judging every little thing you do. They fuel your motivation though, don't they, Miley? Yes they do. Thank God for the haters out there because they do the exact opposite of what they intend. 

The VMAs were on August 25. It's September 28 as I write this and it's still a relevant topic. It shouldn't be. 


3. The Jimmy Kimmel - Kanye West one-sided Feud

Jimmy Kimmel made a little joke about Kanye's constant gibberish. He had a point obviously. I do think Kanye's really talented, he's good at what he does, but he also be crazy. People laughed and laughed at Kimmel's little stunt (even though it actually wasn't very funny in my opinion). But not Kanye (shocker). Kanye took to Twitter and all capped his outrage at the joke at his expense. And we all laughed and laughed at this because the dude can't take a joke. But we already knew that. In fact, Kimmel might have been banking on it. 

Then the backlash to Kimmel. I kid you not, this happened. An article in Flavorwire about how Kanye refused to play Kimmel's game and was right not to. You see, usually the publicist-sanctioned celeb response to these things is to be all, oh hahaha, good one, Kimmel! But Kanye don't play dat. The same article claimed that making fun of Kanye is playing to racist stereotypes of the crazy black man going on a rant. Call me naive but I didn't see that AT ALL. Just like I didn't see it in Miley Cyrus' performance. Believe me, I know that racism is alive and well in America and there are thoughtful discussions that need to be had, but I mean, come on, we make fun of crazy white dudes all the time. We need the content! If Kanye really wanted to do everyone a favor he would have just stayed silent. This thing would have gone away. Instead, a pretty bad skit is getting more air time than it deserves. Yay.

Ok, so that was three and there are more and there will be more. It's cool for people to want to express opinions on both sides of a story, but these opinions are often very dumb and only written to stir more controversy and fuel the need for online content. They create false debates about things that really don't matter (except maybe that first example, which I actually found interesting since it was the media's examination of itself. Navel gazing for the cynics out there).

And see what I just did? Yup, I shamelessly extended all these stories past their expiration date so I could finally have some content for this opinionated blog of mine. 

People and more people

Sexism is very much alive in post-sexist America, though it's harder to detect than back in the days of overt sexual harassment or just plain offensive language, the days when women had little recourse. Men aren't idiots, they got with the program as much as required in order to stay in charge. Some of them might even think that they aren't misogynist in any way because after all, they wholeheartedly respect their wives; but make no mistake, sexism is here, and like a virus that just won't go away it has mutated and adapted to new cultural norms and legal rulings in order to survive. You can't prosecute subtle. And when harassment is not subtle, it's usually targeting a 22 year old who is scared of the consequences of speaking up. Personally, I'd have no issue complaining if something were to happen to me, but I know no man would be stupid enough to cross the line because I'm older and wiser and I'd destroy anyone who does (just being honest here, I don't like to be messed with). I was at a talk given at my workplace about the perception of women in... the workplace, and what the speaker said was interesting; feminism, apparently, is one of the rare movements in which radicalism grows with age. I believe it because I'm a prime example of someone who didn't pay much attention to it when I was younger but with age have grown more aware of the little sexist cues that add up like petty cab receipts on an expense report. 

That's not really the point of this post though, cuz ain't that topic just a total drag. I really just want to talk about human archetypes. 

Throughout my many years of working, I've encountered a good number of people and a small number of personality types. We all want to be special, but since we're not, here are my groupings.

1) The Brilliant Asshole
Deep down, I think we all want to be this person. The brilliant assholes are people who can get away with being mean and generally shitty because they are just so damn good at their jobs. They deliver consistently, they're good in meetings, they bring in revenue, they show up and do the work. They are not likeable, but they are a big asset. I have a desire deep within me to be insulting to everyone and not pay the price. 

2) The Humble Brilliant

Here's another category of person we all want to be (generally speaking, we all wish we were brilliant). The humble brilliant is someone who is so good and sought after that this person has no need to be an asshole or any kind of poser. In fact this person is generous and nice to everyone and acts humble and grateful for everything you do. When you find this person, hang on for dear life, never let them go until you absolutely have to (they are so very rare). 

PS: one thing to note about the humble brilliant is that they are becoming somewhat extinct. The world pushes them to be harder than they once were.

3) The Idiotic Bullshitter

This is a person with a big ego who talks complete gibberish but somehow manages to a) have a job and b) get really well paid for it. This person is usually skating on thin ice because their bullshitting skills are pretty mild. For a little while, you think they know what they're talking about, but as the discussion goes on, you realize that their words are nothing but empty vessels that are spoken with the sole goal of ending the conversation. These people don't advance the plot, instead they create meaningless busy work that others end up having to be responsible for because they conveniently disappear at opportune times. I hope this person is not you.

4) The Idiotic Asshole

This person usually doesn't survive too long within an organization. They're stupid and they're mean and no one can stand them. There is no interest to this category.

5) The Brilliant Bullshitter

Not totally unlike the idiotic bullshitter as far as overall laziness, the main difference is that the brilliant bullshitter has mad bullshitting skills. They can walk into a meeting, say something really smart, then walk out and literally do no work. BSing is an art, and the Brilliant Bullshitters are The Vermeers of this form.

6) The Doer

These people put their heads down and do all the work that the idiot bullshitter  and brilliant bullshitter conjured up in moments of panic. They take a lot in stride and have very adaptable personalities. They "get it," a blessing and a curse. You mustn't think of the doer as a victim, though. They know what they're doing, and that is always employable.

7) The Career Amoeba

This is someone who has done pretty well within an organization but doesn't have enormous ambitions. They are only as political as they need to be. The don't really help careers, they don't really hurt careers, they are just... amoebas.

8) The Career Killer

These are generally pretty ruthless people and highly political. They are not without skill, but if they don't like you, they will crush you.

9) And me, of course, I am a neutral 3rd party observer in all of this. I do not judge, I just narrate.

The Post-Feminist Gender Equality Gap

After reading about and discussing the men/women equality thing in detail over the last few months, I've managed to formulate the following conclusion: biology is the biggest problem women face. 

1. Men have testosterone on their side. As I've discussed earlier, business, corporate America and Politics reward testosterone above all else. It's a steroid hormone that leads to higher risk-taking, aggressivity and a certain go getter attitude that is necessary in a cutthroat environment.

2. Women carry babies for 9 months. The whole process takes an enormous toll on the female body and while many women go back to work after their paltry maternity leave, it is difficult for them to devote as much energy and motivation to their work life, and that's basically the perception they have to endure, whether or not it's true. And in many cases, it's true. I know women with children sometimes work harder to overcompensate this perception, but the feeling I get is that no matter what they do, they are perceived as women with children and this hinders them. When it comes to men with children,  it's somewhat easy for them to divorce themselves from their home life. This is a biological fact that works in their favor. The physical sacrifices a woman with kids has to make to get to the top are much larger than for a man.

3. Men get along better with each other and make deals on the golf course. Women are never on the golf course. They're not really allowed on the golf course. Yes, they are technically, but not for business. This camaraderie among men creates a ceiling for women. You can't blame them for being friends, but since they are the majority at the top, it's an unfair advantage. 

Equality means a unisex society. So is true equality possible? On the sexual relationship side, women still appreciate men to be "men." They are cool with them being somewhat dominant, this is sexy to them, and this is another dimension of the issue all together. There are two opposing forces at play, the sexual world and the business world. It's gotten confusing for many. When a woman has a dominant personality and is the breadwinner of the household, it is said that she "wears the pants" in that relationship. Breadwinning and dominance are still equated to men. Women earners are considered the anomaly, and so we've made sure to label them as men if they happen to fall within that category, even though 40% of women today are now the breadwinners of their household. For men, their partner wearing the pants is kind of an insult. I've seen docile men who love it, but in order for it to work, they have to be just that, docile.

From a business and political perspective, until we find a way to have something in it for the men, a fair equal society, one in which biology remains intact, can't really happen. In other words, there is no way men will give up their dominance unless they can benefit in some way. Why would men give up their place to a woman? What does that give them? Absolutely nothing. That leaves us in a quagmire, how can equality be mutually beneficial to both men and women? Is this even possible? My proposed solution was to try to reward women for their biological strengths as we tend to do men. This would level out compensation a bit more. I'm not saying a female secretary is going to make the same as a male CEO (to be stereotypical), but if you have a team of men and women and they compliment each other with different skills as a result of their biology, then why not reward them equally.

I'm not trying to make this personal. The truth is, I don't know how far I will get in my career. I hope to continue to progress, yes, and I'm not pointing fingers at male dominance when it comes to my own life, but I am curious where the male Diane would be right now. I suspect further, basing myself purely on statistics. Afterall, I would be a tall white man, and those guys are  crushing it in business and politics. As it is, my respect for corporate America is low. It's the only system we have and while flawed, it works. But part of me is sad that corporations have won the fight against individuals. Perhaps it was inevitable, but whether you're male or female, you have to acknowledge that they do have us by the balls. 

The Constant Graduation

What is it with the exponential growth of graduation ceremonies across America? How many different educational levels does one need to graduate from?

Also, where do I get me a kid who is graduating because everyone is using that as an excuse to miss work right now.

I had two graduations in my lifetime. One when I went from 5th to 6th grade, I was changing buildings so I guess this was a sort of big deal, and another from college.

The only person in my family who came to my college graduation was my mom. That's it. I'm not proud of this fact, I don't wear it with a badge of honor or anything, but back then, I didn't think it was a really big deal, and it didn't bother me that the whole family didn't come. (Now I realize how messed up that was).

Now that I see all these graduations occurring, from kindergarden, pre-school, middle school, Junior High, High School, and how important it is to the entire family, including grandparents -- as important as say, a wedding-- I'm starting to wonder if I've been jiiped of the graduation experience. 

At the same time, I tend to think graduation is more for the parents than for the kid. The parents are graduating from not paying exorbitant tuition, they know what they're really celebrating, the kids on the other don't really know what hit them, and most importantly what's coming next (unless it's a consulting or investment banking gig). I also always found it weird when my parents came into my school universe. On one hand, I was really happy to show them my world and introduce them to friends, it made telling my stories at home easier and got me intelligent commentary from my mom (oh, forget about so and so, he's 19 and basically the only thing he cares about is sex), on the other, I was happy when they left. 

There's something that Americans do exceptionally well and that is ceremony. No one manages to bring more gravitas to anything than the US. No one markets that ceremony to the masses better than the US either. Graduation is pure marketing genius. And multiplying the number of graduations is pure marketing genius. Sure, it's great to mark the rite of passage, these things are important, but to me, a non-parent (disclaimer), the whole graduation phenomenon seems excessive. One does not need to graduate four times before college. The more you graduate, the less weight it has when it actually means something. And won't the kids who are constantly graduating now expect something of the sort later on in life? And who's gonna tell them that it's not gonna happen every four years, but maybe once or twice in a lifetime? Young people always seem kind of entitled to the older generation. Initially, I didn't think that was all that true because I too was young once and thought I was awesome and un-entitled of course. I'm from Gen X, I always worked diligently and didn't ask for much in return (that was totally my bad), and maybe my elders thought me entitled (except I so wasn't). But it's true, now that I'm old(er), I can see and feel the young folks' entitlement. I've sat with other Gen Xers over the last few years marveling at the extent younger generations can't seem to just deal, plus they complain and ask for performance reviews and a promotion every 6 seconds. Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know. But one thing's for certain, young entitlement is no sham. And I think it's because they had, like, 12 graduations.

Mitch Hedberg

I was always bummed that I never got to see Mitch Hedberg, the pot-head comedian, live. He died too soon of Heroin (so, maybe I should call him Heroin Head). Anyway, here are some Hedberg quotes that are awesome. 

1. Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

2. I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

3. It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. 

4. Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you're an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

5. My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

6. That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

7. I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. 

8. I am wearing a vest. If i had no arms it would be a jacket

9. I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

10. I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. 

11. I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

RIP

1) The Tall White Man
Whenever I encounter a tall white man in his 40s or 50s, he's always someone who is in "senior management," or some senior position. He exudes a certain generosity too. This man is usually a pretty cool guy who treats people fairly. Why? Probably because life's been good to him thanks to his clear physical advantage. The more I go through life, the more Freud's "anatomy is destiny" is proven out. That's not to say some short white men don't make it to the top-- they do. They tend to have Napoleon complexes, but there they are (hello, Lloyd Blankfein). They also tend to be nervous little assholes, but that's because they've had to fight like pittbulls to get noticed by anyone. But generally speaking, if you're a white man and you're tall, you're lucky, because you make it to decent levels without having to be too skilled. I call this "The Tall White Man Effect." Go you. 


2) Why We Post
As usual, I can't help but constantly formulate opinions about Facebook behavior, specifically, why we post. I've come up with the following sort of obvious stuff.

We post to boast
I find this especially true when people complain about airlines and airports "ugh, been on the tarmac for TWO HOURS on this flight to LA. fml." Yes, fuck your life indeed. 

Other boastful posts: "Just found out I got nominated as a finalist for the annual Office Party Planner of the Year awards! Couldn't be more proud." 

I've noticed that whenever somebody tells me they're proud of such and such accomplishment, the accomplishment itself tends to be quite mediocre. If you need to tell me you're proud of something, it's probably because it's received little general recognition. It's not like Jimmy Page has ever said "hey, you know what? I'm really proud of Stairway to Heaven." External manifestations of pride means you've showed all your cards and game over.

We post to show people how well rounded, social and unique we are. This is a shot of me playing with kids. And this is a shot of me with a glass of wine. And this is a shot of me hiking. And this is me checking into the hippest restaurant in New York. Yay me and my successful life!

We post to show people we are intelligent, whether it's a pseudo witty comment or an article about the IRS and the Tea Party with a brief comment expressing outrage in either direction.

We post to show we are still employed, at least on that day.

We post to share our uncontainable excitement over sports, especially if we're watching the game alone. 

We post to express outrage about everything, especially guns, the government and Monsanto

But overall, I think we post to remind people we exist, and for a brief moment, the attention that we think we're getting gives us solace that we are still of this world. Even if the majority of people don't really give a shit about your kids, or your food, or your video, or your sunset photo, or your workout regimen, or your new song that you wrote, and even, the like of all likes, your new profile picture. I know, it's harsh, I'm guilty of posting, it's not a criticism, just hard fact. And to be fair, I like people who post so much more than people who troll and don't say anything, that's just creepy.

PS: I can see people being like, dude, I totally just post to Facebook for fun. But no. No you don't.

Overused Words

Below are some words that I've encountered over the last million years that I feel need replacing. I'm just tired of seeing them, let's think of other ways to express similar ideas. 

1) Passion
Everyone wants to find someone who is passionate in life, probably because they need to feed off that passion so they can go on living, themselves.

This could also be an ad for anti depressants

Every corporation is looking for employees who are passionate (but not too ambitious).

Everyone is looking for a passion, and so many people feel guilty about not having one. 

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Passion is an overused word and I'm sick of it. It's also too strong a sentiment for what most people are trying to convey, which is this:

I want someone who has interests and a rich inner life that will help enrich mine. Someone who isn't vapid or an idiot. 

Or, we want employees who care a little bit about what they do so that they don't fuck shit up.

Or, it would be nice to find a hobby outside my job that gives me some kind of pleasure. 

2) Effortlessly chic
The media refers to celebrities who are effortlessly chic to indicate that the celebrity looks really good while giving the appearance of not even trying.

We all know that this isn't actually true. Celebrities are often blessed with good looks (yes, that is effortless), but everything else is pretty carefully orchestrated. 

What the media is really trying to say is, look at Celebrity X's orchestratedly chic style.

What, this old $4,000 thing? 

Look how I just threw together
this outfit like whoah

3) Canoodling

Just a' canoodlin' pair of celebrities

All celebrities, at some point or another are "seen canoodling" with their significant other, usually before they are an official couple. I learned this word thanks to US Weekly, so I'm grateful to them for expanding my vocabulary, but now I just want to go back to necking and kissing. Just like that.

4) Baby Bump

My baby bump is effortlessly chic

I understand the easy visual that comes with the expression baby bump, but it's time to retire this phrase. It's not really a bump, it's not a fashion accessory, it's a fetus that is developing into a baby. Also, only celebrities have baby bumps, no one else is allowed to have one. What's with the exclusive baby bump circle? I'm down with going back to saying "she's pregnant and it's showing." 

5) Disrupt
Disrupt/Disruptive is huge right now. There's a conference named after the word, how cool is that? But most of the companies in said conference are not very disruptive in any way. We do everything with the aim to disrupt the status quo, but for the most part, these things fail.  Why? Because disrupting is really really hard. As a result, the word disrupt becomes such an empty let down. Maybe we should call the conference "Politely Try to Interrupt (for Now)."

6) Engage
This was one of those words that caught on like wildfire when digital advertising became a thing. We're not just trying to drive awareness and consideration among our consumers, we want them to engage with the brand. Engage has such a broad meaning in this instance that it doesn't really mean anything at all. Do you want your audience to click on a banner and check out your site? Do you want your audience to share your Facebook status? Do you want your audience to watch a video? Why? Do you want your audience to complain about your product? Because that can happen too, when consumers engage.

7) Curvy
How PC do we have to get as a nation that we feel the obligation to call fat or obese women "curvy" -- this expression cannot apply to men for obvious reasons. On the other hand, we've managed to call Giselle "curvy" because she wasn't bone thin. Jennifer Lawrence calls herself curvy. What's our problem.


8) And finally, some runner ups that, in all fairness, I tend to use

- Literally: often used wrong, has become more a synonym of "seriously" than meaning what it actually means, that is- the exact interpretation of something.

- Seriously: used to emphasize just about everything.

- Amazing: I've been guilty of using this since high school. Everything is amazing, therefore nothing is. 

- Whatever: I continue to love this expression or whatever.

- Gorgeous: I honestly hate this word with all my heart, I can't physically bring myself to ever use it.

- Beautiful: Everyone is beautiful, therefore no one is.