If you've ever had the unique pleasure of online dating, then you'll know that it's hard to find a profile that feels somewhat original. I'm not knocking online dating in the least, thank god for it, but since I've had experience in this world, I think it's fair that I construct and deconstruct the prototypical online dating profile for you. Note that I realize how challenging it is to write one of these without sounding super contrived, but that doesn't mean I can't have a little fun.
My Self Summary
Kind of sick of the bar scene and thought I'd give this whole online dating thing a try and see what happens. No expectations, just another way to meet people.
--> The casual disclaimer. I'm brand spanking new to online dating (not). This is not my main source of dating activity, i.e. I have a life.
My friends would describe me as down to earth and easy going.
--> I don't have any major psychological problems
I'm just as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as I am in a suit.
--> I can adapt to my surroundings. I sometimes go to events that require me to dress up, i.e. I have a life.
I like to stay fit and active and work out three times a week.
--> I'm not fat and you better not be either.
I love to travel and want to continue seeing the world.
--> Yes, we know.
I'm just living life to the fullest, you know?
--> Yes, we know.
What I'm doing with my life
1. My work is very important to me but it doesn't define who I am. 2. I work hard and travel quite a bit for business. 3. I take pride in what I do and I really enjoy it so far. Ultimately, I work to live, not the other way around.
--> 1. I am gainfully employed. I should get mad points for that alone. But note that I'm not a workaholic. 2. I will use this as an excuse if I don't like you. 3. I'm just saying that because everyone else does.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food
Shows: LOVE The Wire and Breaking Bad. Also I want to marry Liz Lemon (obsessed with 30 Rock).
--> I watch smart and critically acclaimed programming fit for my level of education and intelligence. Also, my so called crush on Liz Lemon will demonstrate that I am down with a more sophisticated female comedic sensibility and want an intelligent goofy girl for my girlfriend. I will soon realize that this isn't true, but bare with me as I'm still on a path to self discovery.
Books: Anything by Murakami
--> Hipsters seem to like this guy.
Movies: The Big Lebowski, Monty Python and The Holy Grail, Shawshank Redemption, Nanook of the North
--> I like clever funny movies, but I can be serious too. Then I'm going to surprise you with this totally out of the blue 1922 classic documentary that's gonna impress the crap out of you.
The six things I could never do without
- My iPhone
- Laptop
- Passport
- Friends and Family
- My books
- Netflix
--> I couldn't think of anything witty here.
I spend a lot of time thinking about...
The universe and the human species. What I'm having for dinner tonight.
--> I am capable of deep thinking, but I'm also capable of light superficial thinking. The juxtaposition is meant to make you laugh.
The first thing people notice about me...
My height and my smile.
--> Potential dates might think this is an indication that I'm tall and good looking.
On a typical Friday night I'm usually...
Out and about in the city with friends or relaxing at home with a good book or movie.
--> In fairness, this is probably true.
I'm looking for...
My partner in crime. Someone who gets my witty and sarcastic sense of humor and wants to travel the world and experience everything life has to offer with me.
--> That's what everybody wants, just fyi.
Congratulations, you just wrote a generic online dating profile that gives virtually no indication of your personality. That said, what you have going for you is that you sound normal. And on the internet, normal buys you an email exchange and a date.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
The Invincible Playlist
Here are some songs* that I listen to occasionally while walking around the city. They're a little dangerous in that they make me feel invincible, often leading me to throw caution to the wind, get into all sorts of unsafe situations and, you know, middle finger to the Law, generally speaking.
I apologize for any ads you might encounter if you click on the links. It's not my fault.
1) Black Republican by Nas and Jay-Z
I feel like a Black Republican, money I got comin' in. I love how being Republican in the US is synonymous with being a rich capitalist.
2) Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay Z
Really it's Timbaland's beat that clinches the invincible feeling.
Check out Jay-Z's face when he hears the beat for the first time.
3) The Wanderer by Dion
I kiss'em and I love'em cause to me they're all the same.
Dion is such a bad ass.
4) Comfortably Numb by Van Morrison and Pink Floyd
I've reviewed this song at length somewhere else, but basically, this is the greatest version of Comfortably Numb ever created. Plus it's the last live performance on record in which Van doesn't sound like he has marbles in his mouth.
5) Walk Like a Man by The Four Seasons
Who doesn't love a good fuck-you song. Don't let the pretty voices fool you.
6) Every Picture Tells a Story by Rod Stewart
This song mastered the rare art of an awesome and explosive beginning. If you set out on your journey starting with this, there's no stopping you.
7) Walk the Walk by Poe
I understand some people think this song is idiotic. I totally love it, unapologetically.
8) The World is Yours by Nas
Born alone, die alone, no crew to keep my crown or throne.
Sometimes I'm walkin' around like the world be mine all up in this place.
9) Represent by Nas
Sometimes I'm walkin' around like straight up shit is real and any day could be your last in the jungle, as if I know what that means.
10) Just Dance by Lady Gaga
This song got me through the year 2008.
11) Outshined by Soundgarden
Kim Thayil's guitar riff is enough to give you that feeling of like, hells yeah I can do anything, even though the song is about the polar opposite of that.
12) Them Bones and Would by Alice in Chains
Layne Staley's voice: just holy shit. He proved later on not to be invincible. rip.
13) Take it Easy by the Eagles
Might not be an obvious choice to some, but I've been on an Eagles revival of late so just chill out and appreciate the pure Americaness of this band.
14) The Weight by The Band from the Last Waltz
First of all, who wouldn't want someone to be like, hey, take a load of Dianee and put the load on me. Second of all, this version is so good it hurts a little.
15) It Ain't Me, Babe by Bob Dylan
The quintessential I ain't-your-hero-leave-me-the-hell-alone song.
16) Lean on Me by Bill Withers
On the total flip side, this is one of the best songs ever written.
17) Shook Ones by Mobb Deep
I'm only 19 but my mind is older. N'uff.
18) Tostaky by Noir Desir
Let's not give a fuck, act like we're nothing (something of a literal translation). The lead singer of this band killed his girlfriend, but let's not talk about that.
19) IV My People by Supreme NTM and a million guest MCs
Who knew that hip hop would work so well in French (like so well)? For that we have the disgruntled to thank (thank you).
20) Bad Boys by Bob Marley
Since this song is synonymous with COPS, I can't help but think of myself as an outlaw while listening to it.
21) Tell it Like it Is by Aaron Neville
You might not agree with this choice, but you should know that I belong to the school of thought that believes Aaron Neville's voice is a treasure. He sings like this sensitive dude, with that beautifully unique voice of his, something that is actually strong and so completely un-wussy.
22) Taa Deem by Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan
I don't think I can describe this feeling in a succinct manner.
23) Green River by Creedence etc.
There's an undeniable bad ass attitude in this little number.
24) 20th Century Boy by T-Rex
Throwing this one in for good measure. It's the riff, man.
It's not lost on me that my list doesn't really scratch the surface of the 21st century. There are reasons for that, none of which I feel like discussing right now. Have fun!
*This list is practically non-exhaustive, obviously.
I apologize for any ads you might encounter if you click on the links. It's not my fault.
1) Black Republican by Nas and Jay-Z
I feel like a Black Republican, money I got comin' in. I love how being Republican in the US is synonymous with being a rich capitalist.
2) Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay Z
Really it's Timbaland's beat that clinches the invincible feeling.
Check out Jay-Z's face when he hears the beat for the first time.
3) The Wanderer by Dion
I kiss'em and I love'em cause to me they're all the same.
Dion is such a bad ass.
4) Comfortably Numb by Van Morrison and Pink Floyd
I've reviewed this song at length somewhere else, but basically, this is the greatest version of Comfortably Numb ever created. Plus it's the last live performance on record in which Van doesn't sound like he has marbles in his mouth.
5) Walk Like a Man by The Four Seasons
Who doesn't love a good fuck-you song. Don't let the pretty voices fool you.
6) Every Picture Tells a Story by Rod Stewart
This song mastered the rare art of an awesome and explosive beginning. If you set out on your journey starting with this, there's no stopping you.
7) Walk the Walk by Poe
I understand some people think this song is idiotic. I totally love it, unapologetically.
8) The World is Yours by Nas
Born alone, die alone, no crew to keep my crown or throne.
Sometimes I'm walkin' around like the world be mine all up in this place.
9) Represent by Nas
Sometimes I'm walkin' around like straight up shit is real and any day could be your last in the jungle, as if I know what that means.
10) Just Dance by Lady Gaga
This song got me through the year 2008.
11) Outshined by Soundgarden
Kim Thayil's guitar riff is enough to give you that feeling of like, hells yeah I can do anything, even though the song is about the polar opposite of that.
12) Them Bones and Would by Alice in Chains
Layne Staley's voice: just holy shit. He proved later on not to be invincible. rip.
13) Take it Easy by the Eagles
Might not be an obvious choice to some, but I've been on an Eagles revival of late so just chill out and appreciate the pure Americaness of this band.
14) The Weight by The Band from the Last Waltz
First of all, who wouldn't want someone to be like, hey, take a load of Dianee and put the load on me. Second of all, this version is so good it hurts a little.
15) It Ain't Me, Babe by Bob Dylan
The quintessential I ain't-your-hero-leave-me-the-hell-alone song.
16) Lean on Me by Bill Withers
On the total flip side, this is one of the best songs ever written.
17) Shook Ones by Mobb Deep
I'm only 19 but my mind is older. N'uff.
18) Tostaky by Noir Desir
Let's not give a fuck, act like we're nothing (something of a literal translation). The lead singer of this band killed his girlfriend, but let's not talk about that.
19) IV My People by Supreme NTM and a million guest MCs
Who knew that hip hop would work so well in French (like so well)? For that we have the disgruntled to thank (thank you).
20) Bad Boys by Bob Marley
Since this song is synonymous with COPS, I can't help but think of myself as an outlaw while listening to it.
21) Tell it Like it Is by Aaron Neville
You might not agree with this choice, but you should know that I belong to the school of thought that believes Aaron Neville's voice is a treasure. He sings like this sensitive dude, with that beautifully unique voice of his, something that is actually strong and so completely un-wussy.
22) Taa Deem by Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan
I don't think I can describe this feeling in a succinct manner.
23) Green River by Creedence etc.
There's an undeniable bad ass attitude in this little number.
24) 20th Century Boy by T-Rex
Throwing this one in for good measure. It's the riff, man.
It's not lost on me that my list doesn't really scratch the surface of the 21st century. There are reasons for that, none of which I feel like discussing right now. Have fun!
*This list is practically non-exhaustive, obviously.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
So you wanna work in Advertising/Marketing...
First of all, if you're good in Math and Science, consider another field of work, like Finance, Technology, high paying market research jobs, engineering etc.
For the rest of you, you are going to need to learn the Marketing jargon that gets thrown around in meetings every single day of our existence. Ok? Here's a list for you.
1) Leverage (quite possibly the most overused term in all of marketing)
Most often means to reuse or recycle. For example: Since your team already produced this great piece of creative work, we could perhaps "leverage" it for our project.
I'm pretty sure this is a misuse of the term "leverage."
2) Brand Equity
How much stock you have among your target audience. Example "Brand X has great "brand equity" among Millenials."
3) Brand Positioning
Often represented by a statement that describes what a brand stands for in the market place. This statement needs to show that the company is providing real value to consumers that other brands aren't. Sometimes it's confused with Brand Promise, which is what a company promises to its consumers. Sometimes it's confused with Brand Values, which are the values a company lives by. And sometimes it's confused with Company Mission, which means... something else. Most of the time, all these things are confused by me.
4) To Position
The angle that you are going to use to explain something to someone so that the person a) understands it and b) agrees with it.
5) Creative Platform
An idea on which to base every piece of creative you develop.
6) Architecture
An organizing principle that can define... a process, or how your brand's products fit together, or how different messages fit together, or how different elements within the brand fit together. Basically, it's a chart that organizes all sorts of different shit.
7) Framework
Is kind of like an architecture.
8) Ideation
The act of coming up with ideas.
9) Concepting
The act of coming up with ideas.
10) Brain Dump
Throwing out ideas, often improbable, in an unorganized fashion.
11) Mind Meld
A meeting of people who have various types of expertise with the goal of coming up with ideas.
12) Come-to-Jesus
A meeting that usually takes place among more senior folks when a project is totally fucked up and tensions are high. The point of this meeting is honesty (a trait for which Jesus was famous), which is often used as a last resort.
13) Executional Elements
Things within an actual piece of creative, like a logo or an editing transition, or a color. "Executional," still to this day, has a red squiggly line under it in all word processing programs.
14) Strategy
This is a word that encompasses pretty much everything and nothing. Often times, it is used to designate anything that is not execution. People who are strategic are met with high regards because they are higher level thinkers who are capable of setting a vision and speak well in meetings. People who are more executional (squiggly line) are lower level thinkers who can't see the forest through the trees but are good at getting shit done. When too depended upon, strategy can cause paralysis that hinders execution. When done right, strategy provides a blueprint to help creative teams come up with ideas and guides execution. The perfect marketing person possesses just the right mix of strategy and execution.
Got that?
15) Low Hanging Fruit
The most obvious and easiest target you can go after with a new product/service. (Get it? Low hanging fruit is the first to drop to the ground because it is ripe for the picking. Super sophisticated stuff right here).
16) Touch Points
The different media that are used to "touch" the consumer (not inappropriately though). Like a billboard in Times Square or a spot on TV.
17) Mediums
The most well-spoken among us still don't know that media is the plural of medium. And because they are my superiors, I don't correct them. Mediums are people who can communicate with spirits.
18) Activate
To bring a marketing program to life "out in the real world." Basically, this is a fancy word for sponsorships and events.
19) Channels
Simply put, this means media. I guess the nuance here is that Channels represent the conduit by which you will reach your target audience. In other words, media.
20) Data-Driven everything
Example, Data Driven Insights: This means that you will find Insights among your target audience thanks to research you conduct among said target audience (often times quantitative research as opposed to qualitative research).
Or Data Driven Company
The brand is a company that makes decisions based mostly on research and numbers and less so instinct and common sense.
21) Deliverables
What you actually need to do (deliver) when all is finally said. If you don't understand a brief or a request, the deliverable list can be a shining beacon of clarity.
22) Circle Back
Basically, to follow up with someone after a meeting because who wants to talk about it right then and there? Nobody.
23) Reach Out
To get in touch with someone, often times, via email. Reach out is left vague enough that the method of communication is left up to the person who is doing the reaching out.
24) "I have a hard stop", Or "I have a back-end"
A diplomatic way to say that this meeting cannot run over because I have another freakin' meeting right after it. K?
25) "Let's take that offline"
A diplomatic way to tell someone who is derailing a call, either through irrelevance or way too much detail, that they need to shut the hell up.
26) Influencers
A target group that advertisers go after because they believe that they will influence others in choosing their brand. Red squiggly line all the way.
27) Getting up to speed
To catch up on a project.
Some of this jargon can definitely be useful shorthand for people who talk about this stuff everyday. But because people in marketing talk a lot, we constantly need to find different words to say the same thing. It's kind of like when an on-air reporter uses the word "Ascertain" right after they use the word "Assess." Ascertain also buys them an extra vowel of crucial time (like that time when the Super Bowl stadium lights went out, "Ascertain" was flying around all over the damn place). Finally, never forget this valuable lesson from Nas: "Money over bullshit" y'all. Words to market by.
For the rest of you, you are going to need to learn the Marketing jargon that gets thrown around in meetings every single day of our existence. Ok? Here's a list for you.
1) Leverage (quite possibly the most overused term in all of marketing)
Most often means to reuse or recycle. For example: Since your team already produced this great piece of creative work, we could perhaps "leverage" it for our project.
I'm pretty sure this is a misuse of the term "leverage."
2) Brand Equity
How much stock you have among your target audience. Example "Brand X has great "brand equity" among Millenials."
3) Brand Positioning
Often represented by a statement that describes what a brand stands for in the market place. This statement needs to show that the company is providing real value to consumers that other brands aren't. Sometimes it's confused with Brand Promise, which is what a company promises to its consumers. Sometimes it's confused with Brand Values, which are the values a company lives by. And sometimes it's confused with Company Mission, which means... something else. Most of the time, all these things are confused by me.
4) To Position
The angle that you are going to use to explain something to someone so that the person a) understands it and b) agrees with it.
5) Creative Platform
An idea on which to base every piece of creative you develop.
6) Architecture
An organizing principle that can define... a process, or how your brand's products fit together, or how different messages fit together, or how different elements within the brand fit together. Basically, it's a chart that organizes all sorts of different shit.
7) Framework
Is kind of like an architecture.
8) Ideation
The act of coming up with ideas.
9) Concepting
The act of coming up with ideas.
10) Brain Dump
Throwing out ideas, often improbable, in an unorganized fashion.
11) Mind Meld
A meeting of people who have various types of expertise with the goal of coming up with ideas.
12) Come-to-Jesus
A meeting that usually takes place among more senior folks when a project is totally fucked up and tensions are high. The point of this meeting is honesty (a trait for which Jesus was famous), which is often used as a last resort.
13) Executional Elements
Things within an actual piece of creative, like a logo or an editing transition, or a color. "Executional," still to this day, has a red squiggly line under it in all word processing programs.
14) Strategy
This is a word that encompasses pretty much everything and nothing. Often times, it is used to designate anything that is not execution. People who are strategic are met with high regards because they are higher level thinkers who are capable of setting a vision and speak well in meetings. People who are more executional (squiggly line) are lower level thinkers who can't see the forest through the trees but are good at getting shit done. When too depended upon, strategy can cause paralysis that hinders execution. When done right, strategy provides a blueprint to help creative teams come up with ideas and guides execution. The perfect marketing person possesses just the right mix of strategy and execution.
Got that?
15) Low Hanging Fruit
The most obvious and easiest target you can go after with a new product/service. (Get it? Low hanging fruit is the first to drop to the ground because it is ripe for the picking. Super sophisticated stuff right here).
16) Touch Points
The different media that are used to "touch" the consumer (not inappropriately though). Like a billboard in Times Square or a spot on TV.
17) Mediums
The most well-spoken among us still don't know that media is the plural of medium. And because they are my superiors, I don't correct them. Mediums are people who can communicate with spirits.
18) Activate
To bring a marketing program to life "out in the real world." Basically, this is a fancy word for sponsorships and events.
19) Channels
Simply put, this means media. I guess the nuance here is that Channels represent the conduit by which you will reach your target audience. In other words, media.
20) Data-Driven everything
Example, Data Driven Insights: This means that you will find Insights among your target audience thanks to research you conduct among said target audience (often times quantitative research as opposed to qualitative research).
Or Data Driven Company
The brand is a company that makes decisions based mostly on research and numbers and less so instinct and common sense.
21) Deliverables
What you actually need to do (deliver) when all is finally said. If you don't understand a brief or a request, the deliverable list can be a shining beacon of clarity.
22) Circle Back
Basically, to follow up with someone after a meeting because who wants to talk about it right then and there? Nobody.
23) Reach Out
To get in touch with someone, often times, via email. Reach out is left vague enough that the method of communication is left up to the person who is doing the reaching out.
24) "I have a hard stop", Or "I have a back-end"
A diplomatic way to say that this meeting cannot run over because I have another freakin' meeting right after it. K?
25) "Let's take that offline"
A diplomatic way to tell someone who is derailing a call, either through irrelevance or way too much detail, that they need to shut the hell up.
26) Influencers
A target group that advertisers go after because they believe that they will influence others in choosing their brand. Red squiggly line all the way.
27) Getting up to speed
To catch up on a project.
Some of this jargon can definitely be useful shorthand for people who talk about this stuff everyday. But because people in marketing talk a lot, we constantly need to find different words to say the same thing. It's kind of like when an on-air reporter uses the word "Ascertain" right after they use the word "Assess." Ascertain also buys them an extra vowel of crucial time (like that time when the Super Bowl stadium lights went out, "Ascertain" was flying around all over the damn place). Finally, never forget this valuable lesson from Nas: "Money over bullshit" y'all. Words to market by.
Monday, March 4, 2013
You have forced me to dissect Seth McFarlane's Boob Song. Just great.
I don't mean to harp on the Oscars, but the good celebrities and journalists of the world have not really let me forget them. And most of all, they have tried to convince me that Seth McFarlane's "boob song" is not only sexist, but catapulting us back to Mad Men era of female mistreatment in the workplace, no, worse, 1950s suburbia, no wait, worse, 19th century corset-wearing oppression.
Most recently, Jamie Lee Curtis wrote a little post expressing her outrage. Let me just say plain and simple, the boob song was not offensive. It wasn't that funny, but it certainly wasn't offensive. I guess I should caveat that by saying that "in my opinion" it wasn't offensive. Whatever, it wasn't offensive, period. At some point in your life, you just have to call it as you see it. When it's offensive, I will say so.
There is so much wrong with Jamie Lee Curtis' little diddee that I don't really know where to begin. She offends my intelligence. But let's just go with this:
1) You claim to have been personally the butt of many a cruel Seth McFarlane joke (I don't know him well enough to confirm that), and this is what made you decide to fall on your sword? Ah, I see, it's in defense of the Academy that you're doing it, for ALL the women out there, huh? Look it's not about you, of course, we totally get it, it's for the people.
2) You are sorry that this song is what we are talking about and not the awesome Argo or lovely Jennifer Lawrence (Where have you been? They're everywhere). So who do you think is to blame for that? Could it be you for writing a post and stirring up more drama about this damn song over a week after the show? Nah.
3) You dreamed a dream. I don't understand why this concluded your article. We all know men were never kind, nor have they ever had soft voices (that's why it's called I Dreamed a Dream, get it?). What's the point of this? That this song has ruined your life? That you wish the world was a kinder place? You're rich and famous and had rich and famous parents. The world has been better to you than 99.9999% of the world's population.
If ever there was a problem with McFarlane's song it's that it was meant to be a humorous song in the first place. That stems directly from American puritanism, which is accepted as the norm here. Take a country like say, France, where the song would probably be met with some indifference. After all, boobs are very common place there. Don't get me wrong, they are considered sexualized anatomy over there too, but there doesn't seem to be as much hypocrisy when it comes to sex and the female form. Also, as mentioned, boobs are everywhere in France. There isn't one deodorant commercial that doesn't show a woman's boobs (well, what, they happen to be really close to a woman's armpits). There isn't one beach where many of the women don't go bare-breasted (not that I really need to see saggy boobs everywhere, but hey, it's a cultural thing). So the French would probably react to the song with a so what? Why is this a thing? I totally don't get it. In my opinion, McFarlane is poking fun at male childishness with respect to the female body, an immaturity that goes way beyond puberty here in the US. The reason likely being that sex and the (female) naked body, while pretty much everywhere and blown out of proportion both literally and figuratively (thanks, media and porn industry), are still totally taboo to discuss as natural, normal aspects of human life.
I don't understand why this song has been denounced as sexist, by respected media outlets, no less. Did he make Men look good by singing it? No. He made them look pretty dumb. Did he criticize women for baring their breasts? No. I honestly don't think so. Could he be pointing a finger at the bigger American societal sex paradox that we live in? It's a possibility. The fact that everyone was so up in arms about it is actually a bigger problem than anything else. It's hard not to notice the hypocrisy in this indignation. And even if he hadn't thought of any of those deeper meanings, I still wouldn't have found the song offensive, just a little idiotic. (For the record, I maintain that Billy Crystal is an awesome awards host, as stated in a previous blog post.)
For your reading enjoyment, here are some other people that feigned offense by the song and McFarlane's act. That's another thing, McFarlane is an equal opportunity "offender."
Because only you, oh wise intellectuals, barometers of our culture, understanders of satire, could have made Seth McFarlane's Oscar skit matter more than it really should have.
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