Impressions: Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In

At first, I wanted to be skeptical about Sheryl Sandberg's book "Lean In." As a pure cynic who enjoys being a contrarian, I've espoused my own views of women in the workplace and feminism in general. I've written about them in this blog, and some contradict what I'll be saying here.

Now that I've actually read Sandberg's book, I found that I agreed with almost everything she said. It helps that she caveats the hell out of it in the beginning: i.e. some women don't want to be leaders, some women are struggling to support their families and don't have a choice in the matter. Her book also does not apply to under developed nations where women get raped all the time and then get blamed for getting raped (because I swear to God, you just can't make that shit up).

So yes, she is targeting a sliver of the female population. I happen to belong to that sliver, which puts pressure on me personally, even though I'm technically lucky to be in that sliver. Sandberg's request of women is to start tipping the scale in our favor when it comes to senior leadership and at least get to 50/50 with men at the top. Her argument is that basically you might feel that the top is an impenetrable boys club, but the more of you who manage to get there, the less difficult and awkward it will be for the women coming after you to get there. And then she offers advice on how to achieve this in a way that  is socially acceptable for a female to do so. Kind of like a Trojan horse if you will. In other words, you still have to be perceived as a "woman," likable and all, whilst making your way to the top. For example, women are, generally speaking, more nurturing than men (note that I am not, a potential problem for me), so helping people is kind of what is expected of them, while for a man helping out is kind of like, holly shit, thank you, I'll return the favor, that sort of thing. I find this to be true in general. While it's hard to explain it, I certainly do feel it. That said, being nice and likable can also be perceived as a weakness. It's a very delicate balance. Some people exude authority and kindness naturally, but it's not the case for many. It's a tough skill to learn.

But the real issues are the internal barriers to success that women create for themselves. Fear and lack of confidence are the biggest factors here. She's right, we hold ourselves back due to fear. But she argues that our fear is often justified because societal stereotypes of females are still very much alive (this, she supports with empirical evidence as most of the arguments she makes in the book). It appears that fear is a mechanism for women by which to adapt to outside expectations. Expectations that can make the difference between whether you have a job or not (or at least in your own perception). Even if you think you were raised fairly by your parents, completely equal to your brother for example, the world at large still clings to subtle, and none so subtle gender stereotypes, and this affects the most enlightened among us. 

I started looking back at my work experiences and yes, the top layers are mostly comprised of men. I have examples that I shouldn't post here in which I felt subtle and none so subtle "discrimination." Sandberg has managed to articulate things I felt but could not put into words myself. Another depressing fact, men are promoted based on potential, women are promoted based on past performance -- which to me is a catch 22 if you're not allowing women to reach up by promoting them. I'm starting to observe male behavior around me and how they clearly feel more comfortable with each other than with women, even though I'm relatively Tom Boyish myself. The other day I was going into a meeting and a male colleague greeted my other male colleague with a very relaxed "hey what's up, man" like they "got" eachother, he's just another dude who played with trucks when he was 5 (again, it's just a feeling I get from body language, nothing I can explain rationally). Another time, whilst checking into the Crowne Plaza at the same time as my boss, the reception guy told me there were no more king size beds and would I be ok with two doubles. I genuinely didn't care about that, but my room turned out to be on the first floor, quite literally in front of a wall. It become clear to me that at the moment the receptionist took a look at me, saw that I was a youngish woman who looked nice and amenable and put me in the worst room in the hotel. It goes without saying they didn't do this to my male 40 something boss. And it's not just me, a female co-worker friend of mine told me of a similar experience in LA where the hotel gave her a crap room, which certainly didn't happen to the men she was traveling with. These are little things that add up to bigger things. And now that I've given it more considerable thought, I am starting to pinpoint moments and systemic issues in my own career that highlight the gender bias. If anything Sandberg's book has managed to frustrate the hell out of me because it's opened my eyes more widely to all of this. One of the big issues that I personally find hard to solve is our biological differences. I don't want the world to go unisex or sexless, but for now, the business world rewards those traits in men that happen to be a result of the fact that they have more testosterone than women. There's nothing we can do about that, but perhaps if there are more women at the top, their biological "gifts" will be seen as critical to the success of a corporation.

With that said, I also think that we win most if we have roughly equal numbers of both genders in senior management. I don't know that the opposite, having many more women in leadership positions than men, would be all that beneficial either. The fashion industry for instance, has a lot of women at the top, and I heard it's a very bitchy and back-stabbing environment. You don't want cat fights either and I think having men around helps temper that negative side of women. But if men are the majority at the top, then those few women in leadership positions will have to live by their rules. It will always be a man's world that we're just living in and adapting to. The more women in leadership positions, the more the scale tips in favor of women as a whole, the less we need to fake being stereotypical acceptable females to get to the top. 

I've been getting the same reaction from everyone who's read the book, no exceptions, the SAME reaction: "I agree with some of it, I disagree with some of it." I understand why they say that; at the same time, if Sandberg is trying to create some kind of a movement, her main message needs to be clear and somewhat idealistic, even at the expense of what some (including myself) might feel is unrealistic or damn right untrue. But offering up half-assed encouragement just won't work for what she is trying to accomplish so I respect her for that.