On Lord Grantham and Lindsay Lohan

1) Lord Grantham (spoiler alert if you haven't seen 1/27/13)

Robert Crawley has quickly become the most despicable character on Downton Abbey. Maybe you thought it was Thomas, the conniving valet, but what can Thomas do, really? What power does he have? A little mean joke on O'Brien here or there? No, Lord Grantham is the worst. Let's just say that we got a little hint of this in season 2 when he was feeling all helpless during the war in his military garb meant only for ceremonial purposes. He was all, I should be out there, fighting, commanding, something, 'Arg!' And the powers that be were like 'pat on the head', look, Aristocrat, war is no longer all fun and games, we need some seriously qualified people to run this shit. Just keep walking around in the nice uniform, you don't realize how much you're contributing to the war effort just by wearing it, "boosting morale" and such.

On to season three. Oh, Robert. First of all, you invest all your wife's money in one stock that inevitably tanks. Even the financially uneducated women of Downton are like, yo, Grantham, haven't you ever heard of diversifying your portfolio? Secondly, we find out that you are mismanaging Downton. There are inefficiencies everywhere, money misspent in all corners of the estate. Now, tell me Robert, what else do you have going on in your life besides running your estate? This is your 9 to 5. This is what you've been put on this earth to do. This is why you married your rich wife whose money you squandered. What else is there for you if not being the chief executive of your house? 

And finally, you killed your daughters. One figuratively and one literally. Let's start with Edith because she's still alive. Now, Edith may very well go on to become the Eleanor Roosevelt of Downton, but until then, you will do everything in your power to make her feel like total shit. And Sybil. Beautiful, kindhearted Sybil. She's dead. Yup, dead. Died, death, morte, muerto, gone forever, in grave, "passed away." At some point you might have realized that your judgment was not 100%. Alas, that point passed through you like a ship in the night. So clearly, you're going to trust this hack aristocrat doctor from London who knows squat about delivering babies instead of listening to your family doctor who might well be an alarmist, but hey, better to be safe than dead sorry. 

With all that said, Robert Crawley, you are now on my shit Diane don't like list.


2) Lindsay Lohan

I'd like one day to find out that Lindsay Lohan's trainwreck life was all just performance art-- an act of social criticism against our celebrity obsessed culture -- and that in real life, she's this healthy, emotionally balanced vegetarian chick who goes on yoga retreats and enjoys long walks on the beach contemplating the universe with her dog, McGregor.

Alas.

I was discussing this with a friend the other day and we agreed that we both really wanted to defend Lohan, like, really badly when she was first getting into trouble, but now it's just too exhausting to even keep up with all her probations and arraignments and paroles and summons and court dates and all that stuff. I want to go to bed just thinking about it.