This Life is Self Service

New York Magazine dedicated an issue to the phenomenon of Self Help books in America. This got me wondering, if I wrote a self- help book, what would it be? Maybe an amalgam of all the self-helpish books I've ever read or skimmed?

The self help books I've read have all been excruciatingly repetitive. You think you read that in chapter 2? Well think again because chapter 3 is the exact same thing using the exact same words because the author just can't be bothered to think of new ones. So in my self help book, each chapter would be dedicated to summarizing someone else's self help book. I will call it: A Small Guide to Better Self Help Books if You Skip to the End. And it goes a little something like this:


Chapter 1: The Power of Positive Thinking, by Norman Vincent Peale 
Just pretend it's all gonna to be ok. k?

Chapter 2: Why Men Love Bitches, by Sherry Argov
A repeat of the outdated 1985 best seller "The Rules of Dating." 

Chapter 3: Rich Dad/Poor Dad, by Robert Kyosaki
How to make lots of money writing a self-help book, then squander it and declare bankruptcy. 

Chapter 4: Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell
You should have found a skill when you were five years old and stuck with it forever. Now it's too late and you are going to fail. 

Chapter 5: 127 Hours (or Between a Rock and a Hard Place), by Aron Ralston
In order to survive, you will need to cut off your arm. But then, you'll become a millionaire writing about your ordeal and have James Franco play you in the movie adaptation. Just give it roughly 5.2 days.

Chapter 6: Talent is Overrated, by Geoff Colvin
You might be naturally good at something but that doesn't actually matter.

Chapter 7: Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui, by Karen Kingston
Just throw everything you own away. It's giving you depression and medication is expensive.

Chapter 8: The Cunt Book, by Inga Muscio 
Your vagina is your temple.

Chapter 9: Any Suzie Orman book
You are broke and will probably die broke.



And Finally...




Chapter 10: A Guide to Better Self Help Books
If you truly want to help yourself, these are the only self-help books you're ever gonna need:

The Art of War

The Prince

Demonic Male: Apes and the Origins
of Human Violence

The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene

It may seem like I have a very bleak view of the human race, but really, I'm just a pragmatist at heart. 

Now take three big breaths and remind yourself that you're alive by repeating the words "I'm alive" five times a day.