Moving over to Tumblr

I've moved this blog of over to Tumblr: Shit Diane Likes on Tumblr Woohoo!

Respect.

I started watching the Sopranos a few months ago. I'll spare you my praise since everyone knows how good it is, but I will say this, it is now my show. I don't have to share it with anyone-- journalists aren't writing articles about the complexity of the characters, the American family as it relates to the Sopranos, or even how it is either the most important or most influential show ever produced. People aren't "tuning in" every week to see a new episode. I managed to not know how the show ends, yet still dealt with the world's newfound obsession of Journey's Don't Stop Believin', understanding that this song had a major emotional impact on viewers during the finale but not knowing why. How I managed to do this, I have no idea. But now, it's my turn. Now I have a show that no one is watching but everyone has seen. I get to think freely about it without the media telling me the deep rooted reason why Tony Soprano is America's favorite character. There are obvious reasons why The Sopranos is great, but perhaps chief among them is that the pacing of the show is basically perfect. I watch it and get so deeply involved that at the end of the season 1 finale, when the credits came on, I had forgotten I had been watching a show. And those credits crawling up the screen were a sobering reminder of my existence. That's when you know that you've been masterfully manipulated by a television experience and that you're in the presence of TV greatness. Respect.

I saw screening of the movie "Whiplash" this week. An awesome movie that's sure to give you whiplash, no joke. So well directed and acted. Because I knew via my brother people who were intimately involved with the film, I got to go to an after party that the cast and director attended. My crowning achievement of that night was when J.K. Simmons was trying to get the attention of the director Damien Chazelle who had gone off to talk to someone. I was in this awkward middle position and I said to him "come on, BE THE ASSHOLE YOU KNOW YOU CAN BE". He looked a me sort of surprised but sort of like respect too. 

Joan Rivers man. You don't know how much you're gonna miss someone til their gone. I was more bummed about her death than I thought I would be. She'd been around my whole life and she was funny as hell and tough as nails. That's a role model right there. And of course, if you've seen the documentary "A Piece of Work" you know what I mean. Total respect.

I went to see the Eagles at MSG a couple of weeks ago. An amazing show. They played all the hits and sounded tight. I think the Eagles continue to get a bad rap, but they're one of the greatest rock n' bands in the world with one of the best songwriting teams in Glenn Frey and Don Henley. Total respect.

Let the chips fall. And may they be sour cream and onion flavor.

Is it just me or is it the beginning of the end for us humans? The world is going to shit, and yet here I am sitting on my living room couch, watching Investigation ID, eating popcorn like a lazy ass mofo. I can't believe I'm even allowed to do this given how shitty the world is right now. But anyhoo. Do you remember another time in history when things were this bad? World War II you'll say. Yes, WWII was pretty damn bad. But still... even though it involved the entire world going to war, it was quite a defined event. We knew who the Nazis were, we knew who the Allies were, it was THE major event of the time, it's where everyone's attention was focused (also hindsight 20/20). What feels different to me is our lack of control over pretty much everything, especially evidenced in the conflicts that have arisen in the last year. You don't really get a sense that governments know how to curb the crazy. And the crazy has more money, more weapons and more crazy than they ever did before. Maybe control has always been a complete illusion, but perhaps now, because there are billions and billions of us on this small planet, the illusion itself has become hard to control. Here's my list of shit going down, let me know if you have any others:

1. ISIS scares the living crap out of me. They are like bionic terrorists. When I see people like them I thank God that we have a strong military and lots of weapons. Good luck with give peace a chance y'all, I'll be over there on that aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean riding this one out. 

2. The new Civil War in America. When I said a strong military, I did not mean thank God for that strong militarized police force in small town America. Let's just be clear on that. As one black protestor's sign read "I can't believe I'm still protesting this shit." Godspeed Ferguson. Racism is alive and well and living all over the place. I'm waiting for the next Frontline to come out so I can actually understand what the hell is going on over there. 

3. Gaza, Gaza, Gaza. What on earth (pun intended) are we going to do with this conflict? Hope for peace in that region died with Yitzhak Rabin's assassination. And it was pretty hopeless back then too, but just a tiny bit less hopeless, and that gave us hope. 

4. Syria. Assad. Rebels. Rebels supported by America? Rebels within rebel groups that are not being supported by America? Rebels rebelling against the rebellion? Does that make them pro Assad or just pro rebelling? Again, I will defer to Frontline on this one. 

5. Ebola. Ebola just sucks. And it's not even human.

6. Russia. I mean, Russia kind of almost feels civilized to me right now. The pop culture media hasn't covered it in a little while so I'm guessing we're good with Putin right now. 

7. Ukraine. Does Ukraine not feel like such a big deal anymore now that all this other shit is happening? It's like old news. Has Ukraine been solved yet? Anyone? Anyone?

8. What about Afghanistan? Isn't that place still totally screwed? Last I checked it was. 

9. China anyone? How they doin'?

10. North Korea. Oh, just forget it. 

Anyone up for an ice bucket challenge?

All this talk of extremists doing crazy things is depressing. You can't reason with extremists. And don't even get me started on trying reason with your crazy Facebook friends. Studies show that when you present someone who has a certain opinion with a FACT that counters that opinion, they are more likely to feel even more strongly about that opinion, now with double the wrong. People don't want to be told they're wrong. With that knowledge go forth and manipulate some brains, people!

Aside from being slightly scared about the demise of humanity (this can only occupy so much of a mere mortal's time), I've been otherwise enjoying myself trying to come up with various puns, new expressions and ways to explain complicated things simply. But that will be for another time. I will sign off with a list of quotes from songs by the Eagles that basically answer all of life's big questions. Who needs Sartre.

1. Take it easy, don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy.

2. We may lose and we may win, though we will never be here again.

3. Lighten up while you still can. Don't even try to understand. Just find a place to take your stand and take it easy.

4. So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key.

5. Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky, you can see the stars and still not see the light. 

6. You better let somebody love you before it's too late.

7. Your prison is walking through this world all alone. 

8. You can spend all your time making money, you can spend all your love making time. 

9. Life in the fast lane surely make you lose your mind.

10. You can check out any time you like but you can never leave. 

So here we go... like a sales force into the night

Some of my most recent observations. Feel free to read them.

1.  

A friend of mine once remarked that girls who post pictures of themselves at Machu Picchu on Tinder were automatically swipe left material. Why? Because there are so damn many of them. So why don't we just give Machu Picchu its own honorary online dating profile. 

Age: 654 years old

Self Summary: Royal retreat, sacred landscape, sanctuary, devoted to the Virgins of the Sun.

What are you doing with your life: I help tourists and online daters from around the world take pictures of eachother on my grounds so they can impress other online daters with their adventurous travel spirit. 

Favorite books, movies, TV shows: 
Movies: Huge fan of Aguirre Wrath of God and Apocalypto.
Books: Enjoyed The Last Days of the Incas
TV Shows: Arrested Development, 30 Rock, The Wire and Breaking Bad. 

The Most Private Thing You're Willing to Admit Here: No one knows why I was built, and I'm not going to tell them! Mwaahahahah.

First thing people notice about you:
Who answers these things? I don't know... My perfect architectural design?

What you're looking for:
Women, men and lamas for new friends, short term dating, long term dating. 

You should message me if:
You need help with your online dating profile.

2. 

LCD Soundsystem's "All My Friends" is this generation's answer to Baba O' Reilly-- once you're done listening to it, there's literally nothing else you can listen to at that moment that will make you feel quite the same way.

3. 
We need to think of another way in film to convey the monotony of modern day living besides the morning tooth brushing-bathroom scene.  

4.
What does it say about us that we need "Humans of New York" to make us feel human?

5. 
Heartburn is such a guy issue. It's like having an enlarged prostate. Women don't know how it feels. That said, I'm jealous of guys' ability to drink more and suffer less the next day. In that sense I'd take heartburn over hangover any day. One Tums and you're done.

6.
Sometimes I'm amazed that I manage to get from one place to another in New York City. It seems so impossible. I imagine it's a bit like giving birth; you don't quite know how you did it, but all of sudden 'pouf' you made it to the other side.

Word up

It's that time of the year again when I feel the need to write anything that's gone through the washing machine of my mind.

Feb 21

There is a cosmic joke and you find enlightenment when you get it. 

- Oscar Isaacs

Will I ever get the cosmic joke?
- Diane

Feb 24, 2014

Facebook is like a conveyor belt of Priceless commercials. It spits out special life moments like a Ford factory spits out engines.

Feb 25, 2014

I'm down with OPP: Other People's Pictures.

Feb 26, 2014

Any time a problem seems insurmountable, break it up into smaller pieces.

My brother told me this once when I was on the verge of having a panic attack. Who am I kidding, I have not yet been close to having a panic attack.

March 8

I need an app that literally allows me to buy time, like with a credit card.

March 9
Is a credit card technically a tool that allows you to buy time?

March 9

When you come to the end of your rope, make a knot and hang on.

(a saying I saw in a painting).

March 10

Wisdom is usually attached to some form of resignation.

April 25

Whenever someone says "come on! what's the worst that can happen?" you should know that Death is almost always the correct answer to that question.

April 28

The game of no game is my game.

May 1

Ann Richards is my hero.

Said tearfully after watching a doc about her. Seen the play, watched the doc. Joined the fan club.

May 10

In my next life, I'd like to come back as Greta Gerwig.

May 11
Do you really fucking love science? Or do you just want people to believe you fucking love science? 

May 13

It's as if all of sudden my 20s finally decided to show up. Or maybe I'm having an early mid-life crisis. 

May 15

The three rules of fascism: Make shit up, shout it out loud, and kill people.

- Eddie Izzard

Bunch a' Sinners

All this talk of Easter and Passover has got me thinking about religion. Specifically, Jesus. I like Jesus. I imagine him to have been a brilliant philosopher who preached about equality in an unequal and hypocritical world. A lot of the issues he talked about still plague us today. But I don't really dig the idea that he died for my sins. I think that's quite an unfair statement actually. For one, I am not a sinner, I haven't really done anything wrong. The two times I went to confession, I invented things like "I was mean to my brother or my mother" which was total bs. Or, I swore -- it's true, I swore, but there's nothing wrong with swearing. Actually, lying in confession was probably my greatest sin. I know there are a lot of fucked up people out there who do shitty things, and maybe Jesus died for them but I don't put myself in that category. Also, if ever I do find myself sinning really badly, the only person responsible will be me. And if I really mess up, like break the law bad, then the only person who will deserve to go to jail will be me. There won't be a savior around to take my place. And guess what? That is what our justice system has taught us; we are, for the most part, responsible for our actions and we alone shall pay. Will I seek solace in others? Yes. Will I need to look to someone for guidance? Sure. Will I need lawyers? Damn straight. How about guns? yup. And money? You betcha. But that's about it. 

Just taking a wild guess, I think Jesus was a revolutionary and inspiring leader and thinker who pissed off some people and they killed him, end of story. Why we need to turn it into a whole sacrificial thing is beyond me. Was it to try to instill humility in people? "Look at what that man did for you, you assholes. What do you have to say for yourselves? Go to your rooms!" I guess we truly are God's children. His 7 year olds.

One of the (many) reasons I think our society has become more secular is that with the rise of individualism came the rise of the idea of self empowerment. Self empowerment teaches you that no one can take charge of your life like you can. You need to decide for yourself who you're going to be. You need to learn to accept, love and ultimately, save yourself; no one else will do that for you. As the wonderful Whitney Houston once sang "learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all." Truth sister. That whole thing is about finding your inner strength, non attributed to other beings but yourself and your will power (if you believe in free will, a whole Pandora's box I just opened right there). 

Finally, if Jesus died for our sins thousands of years ago, he's since then been probably dying every single day in heaven because Lord knows, there ain't no shortage of sins up in this place. 

(I think I may have attempted to tackle some pretty controversial and complex ideas here in roughly two paragraphs).

Mona Lisas, Mad Hatters and Cadillacs

I believe in America. America has made my fortune. I raised my daughter in the American fashion but taught her never to dishonor her family. 

- Amerigo Bonasera, The Godfather

We know how that story ends. Amerigo asks Marlon Brando, aka the Godfather, to avenge his daughter's rape.

It's not unlike the story of this country really.

By now we've all seen the infamous Cadillac ELR ad. It's a hugely polarizing spot, which is every marketer's dream. It might resonate with its extremely small target audience but it turned off a lot of people. Who was the target audience? Everyone I spoke to said it wasn't them. I myself hated it. The guy makes me think of a less likable Patrick Bateman, the message is xenophobic, unAmerican and untrue. UnAmerican because it isn't like us to be critical of other nations in such an unfunny way, it's beneath us (and everyone knows that's France's job). Untrue because most people in this country live for Stuff, not work. And those who are poor work to survive... and for stuff. It's the stuff and the survival that money can buy that propels us to work. For a target audience that is supposedly so small, this ad makes sweeping generalizations about all Americans. It also ran incessantly on the Olympics, one of the most universally watched programs in, well, the universe. And while the Olympics are all about competing for one's country and trying to win a bunch of gold medals, they're also supposed to be about sportsmanship and the coming together of the best of the best from nations around the world... including France. Whether you believe that or not doesn't matter. So through the message and the medium, Cadillac is essentially speaking for and to all Americans while everyone I've talked to, wealthy or upper middle class, have raised up their hands and said, don't look at me, I ain't the target.  So far, the people I know who really like the ad are copywriters who wish they'd written it and people who really like America but claim not to be the target. Look, I understand that Cadillac has an American exceptionalism thing going on here and maybe they just want to stir up those old patriotic feelings, but in post-Occupy America, maybe their money would have been better spent on CNBC. 

On the flip side of all of this, my experience living among the elite of NYC and working alongside them is that they spend a lot of time trying to assuage their anxiety about their jobs, and therefore, their lives. People post life lesson quotes on Facebook, quotes photoshopped on pictures of sunsets preaching what is truly important in life (it's usually something like Love or Family), funny life-affirming quotes whose hidden messages come down to living your life with confidence or like you just don't care. All these mantras that we seem to love so much are basically just a way to remind ourselves of our imminent death, and so we might as well not live in fear because what's the point. We implore ourselves to slow down, or better yet, follow our dreams if we have them, and we all want to believe it, but we can't because we've created a societal monster whose nerve center is the act of being busy. We pray to the altar of Busy. Not Productivity mind you. Who created it? I guess it's the people the Cadillac ad is targeting (and the media. Let's just blame the media for everything). In a lot of ways, for someone like me who is lucky to be part of the system, it's great. I'd rather be part of a successful machine, than a broken one, I also happen to believe in hard work, much more so now than I used to. I actually don't care that much about going on vacation, what I do care about is freedom. But let's not kid ourselves about it then, if you want to get off the speeding train like all those mantras suggest, there is little recourse to do so and very little respect in doing so. And I see a lot of people around me for whom that is a deep desire. The vague reminder of living life to its fullest (whatever that means) can give them a bit of solace and courage, but then they feel they have no real say in the matter and just go on doing what they do... with two weeks vacation per year. N'est ce pas?

More iPhone Notes

This format seems to work well for me. I don't have to explain everything I write with lengthy boring descriptions. I don't have to think too hard. I guess I could take it to Twitter, but I never really got into Twitter and have roughly 1 follower.

February 7, 2014
So many perfectly acceptable things are unacceptable to so many people.

February 8, 2014
When did being pro woman become being pro tomboy, Chevy?

February 11, 2014
If I shut out every morally reprehensible person who's contributed to art and ideas in our world then I'd be completely stupid.

February 11, 2014
There is no empathy in social media.

February 17, 2014
I don't need another tool to help me watch television.

February 12, 2014
Really psyched about being perfect [link attesting to my perfection].

February 13, 2014
Ads that remind me of humanity's addiction to smart phones never cease to depress me.

February 16, 2014
The truth hurts. But for those who lack self awareness, the truth kills. (so it might be better not to tell them). 

February 16, 2014
America, tell me the truth, do you run on Dunkin?

February 16, 2014
There should be no pride or boastfulness in abandoning one's city simply because it is cold and there's a bit of snow on the ground.

My iPhone Notes

You know how people write down stuff they don't want to forget? I do that too. And I have so many iPhone note pages with three words on them that are not just my shopping list that I figured I needed to impart some of these little nuggets of cleverness unto the people that read this thing, if only to remind myself that I exist. In chronological order.


Sept 23, 2009
Troubleshoot me

Sept 25, 2009
Remotecontrol me

Nov 21, 2010
"Where the city's ceaseless crowd moves on, the live long day."

- Walt Whitman (used in the film Manhatta)

Jan 16, 2011
My brother's social security number (I think).

Jan 22, 2012
"If they're too big to fail, they're too big to exist."

- David Stockman, Crony Capitalism

"In every political community there are varying shades of political opinion. One of the shadiest of these is the liberals. Ten degrees to the left of center in good times. Ten degrees to the right of center when it affects them personally."

- Phil Ochs

May 26, 2012

Sordid Out 

(this is my future potential band's name)

May 27, 2013

Pride as a feeling only works when it remains inside.

July 24, 2013

Types of People:

1. Brilliant assholes

2. Brilliant nice guys

3. Idiotic assholes

4. Idiotic bullshitters

5. Brilliant bullshitters

And then there are those who just shut up and get it all done. 

August 13, 2013

To be specific is to be universal.

Oct 28, 2013

People act grateful but they're just greedy. 

Jan 2, 2014

Flags at half mast

Who died.

Jan 19, 2014
Inside Llewyn Davis. Best film of 2013. I want more beautifully shot movies about people who fail and nothing good happens.

Feb 3, 2014

I should translate my mother's book myself/

Jan 27 - Feb 4, 2014 (a prolific period clearly)

- Life: you think it's gonna be one thing, then it turns out it's what you thought it was gonna be before you thought it was gonna be that one thing.

- Sometimes a song sounds better in your head than in real life.

- Business is personal, money is psychological.

- I don't like diamonds for aesthetic reasons.

- I didn't really like the Coca Cola Superbowl commercial. The message was fine but the ad was cheesy. If it had been any other song (besides the Star Spangled Banner) there would be no controversy. Ok, maybe if it had been This Land is Your Land it would have been worse. But any other song and we wouldn't be talking right now. But then it would have resembled a lot of other diversity play ads and no one would have cared. I'm just guessing.

Films and more films

I did a semi decent job staying on top of movies this year. I haven't seen Her yet because somehow I perceive it to be a chore. I'm sure I'll like it, but I just don't feel like seeing it. Haven't seen Nebraska yet. I want to see that slightly more than Her. Otherwise, saw a few major ones: 12 Years a Slave, American Hustle, Gravity. Saw some smaller critical favorites: The Act of Killing, Inside Llewyn Davis, Frances Ha. Saw some of the way smaller critical favorites: The Spectacular Now, Short Term 12, Drinking Buddies, The Way Way Back. 

If I had to pick my absolute favorites in order it would go like this:

1. Inside Llewyn Davis
2. 12 Years a Slave
3. Frances Ha
4. The Act of Killing
5. American Hustle

To name five. 

Inside Llewyn Davis in my humble, is a masterpiece. It was the film I needed to see. Unlike most movies, the arc of the story is really just a straight line. There is no real fantasy in this film, no romance in the story, no improbable scenario that saves the protagonist. It is just someone's life, an artist's hard life, and that was enough to engross me for two hours. Do you know how hard it is to do that? Do you realize how masterful a production it has to be? I don't even know if I do.





12 Years a Slave is also a masterpiece for different reasons. The performances were amazing and the depiction of slavery felt true. If I'm to be so bold, I think I began to scratch the surface of understanding what that era was actually like. 
That said, it's not to say that there haven't been other good movies on slavery. Something I understood better with this one was the dependency on slavery to sustain an economy and livelihood. The film depicted it with more nuance, the psychological effects of this system on both slave owners and slaves. And as soon as Fassbender comes on screen, the quality of the film is elevated to another level. He should get an award but probably won't.




I loved Frances Ha. I'm a fan of most Noah Baumbach movies and I love Greta Gerwig. Even Baumbach's lesser successes, like Greenberg, are still superior to most movies of that ilk. I think it's because of Baumbach's writing; he somehow cuts through... I want to say something smart here, but the only word that comes to mind is bullshit. Sorry. I'm not an actual film critic in case you were wondering. 




The Act of Killing is a documentary that comes around once in maybe 10 years. Shoah is another (to put it in some kind of context). When a filmmaker is successful at exposing the darkest aspects of human nature, my reaction is visceral. My partner in documentaries, Michele, and I needed a drink (or five) after seeing it, and that wasn't even the director's cut.





American Hustle was hugely entertaining, great writing, great acting. Christian Bale gave my favorite performance of the film. It doesn't get to the level of say, a Casino, but still it's that kind of movie and it does a damn fine job. 




 When it comes to the "way smaller" movies, they all had their moments but fell a bit short. I know how hard it is to make a film, let alone a good one, so I'm not really criticizing here. Some of my issues had to with what I felt were improbable scenarios. It's not that I don't like fantasy or good classic storytelling, but I was a bit unsatisfied by how quickly and easily most of the characters bounced back from hard stuff. I wonder if some of the stories were biting off more than they could chew and then had to quickly resolve because the movie had to end.

In Vino Snobbery

Some people when they drink want to make out. Others, presumably, tell the truth. I become a snob. I drop names, embellish experiences and say generally obnoxious things. What is UP with that? This mostly happens when I meet new people. My real friends and acquaintances know that that my life isn't that great so I can't fool them. I am not a wine snob in the least -- oaky, fruity, earthy, what do I know. What I am is a snob on wine. 

If you've lived and worked in New York for 15 years, chances are

you've met and maybe hung out with a successful, semi famous person. Or you know someone who has become successful and semi famous. But I quickly realized that knowing a successful person doth not a successful person make. It happened in my 20s, when I started getting an empty feeling from going out, I basically wasn't doing anything of value (bring out the violins). Sure, meeting new people is awesome, that is part of New York's M.O., but I wasn't actually achieving anything. And knowing someone who was did not make me achieve any more. 

There are people in this world who try to surround themselves with the rich and famous and define themselves by who they know, not what they do. They feel the fame will somehow rub off on them, or that when they need these people they will come through. (I know James Franco: I have arrived y'all). Often times, that does not happen (unless you're bffs). I liken this to being a groupie. You might be sleeping with the lead singer of the band, hanging out with his bandmates and getting into shows for free, but who is getting all the glory and money? Not you. What you get is a story. And that's valuable, sure. But it's air unless you do something with it. 

I'm sure my obnoxiousness has something to do with insecurity (how annoying, effing insecurity), but when I'm sober, I'm extremely aware of the position I occupy in the world. I'm pretty happy with it in general -- this is what happens in one's 30s, on some level it's a bit depressing -- but my 20s somehow come out when wine enters my system. I'm so not a Vino Veritas person. In fact I wake up the next morning remembering the stupidities that came out of my mouth hoping the other person was too drunk to remember. So I apologize in advance to those new people I will likely not see again. 

I had a dream about the show New Girl starring Zooey Deschanel as a cute pixie teacher who moves into a loft with three guys. I had never seen it before, but I had seen the movie Drinking Buddies that starred one of the guys from the show, Jake Johnson, and since Jake Johnson is a good looking man, I obviously looked him up. Drinking Buddies is ok, not great, but enjoyable for a plane ride.

So this weird subconscious thing happened because I had a dream about New Girl on Friday night. I have no idea what was in it. Maybe a bunch of promos strung together, but I woke up needing to see this show like my life depended on it. I fully expected it to suck because I had seen one episode of that other popular network show, Two Broke Girls, and that royally sucked. I figured New Girl would be similar and Zooey, though I like her in general, would probably annoy me. 

I was actually dead wrong. The show is hilarballs (I invented that, it'll catch on). I've been binging on it for the past two days. It's physically impossible to stay away from a show featuring good looking people being hilarious. And while I feel slightly gross for not accomplishing much this weekend besides going to a Pilates class and making soup, I know this journey down the road of improbable and enviable scenarios will eventually end with the end of season 2 on Netflix. These things always do, sadly, but thankfully. The show also made me understand why Olivia Wilde was not very good in Drinking Buddies. Olivia just tries too hard to channel Zooey Deschanel, attempting to recreate the exact same dynamic with Jake Johnson that Zooey has with him on New Girl. Her self consciousness made me cringe for her a bit. I mean, I ain't crying for Olivia Wilde, but if I was a successful good looking actress in my own right, I might a little. She clearly thinks her prettiness is an issue, and by trying so hard to downplay it, she becomes a shitty actress. And you can also tell that this sort of bothers her, that deep down she thinks she's a fraud. Man, I have just psychoanalyzed the hell out of Olivia Wilde with just one movie. I am a jenius. 

I've got lists, too

It's the last day of 2013. Tomorrow, I will wake up in 2014 feeling exactly the same. But I s'pose these rituals are important to humans. They are drinking enablers. I'm in the mood for list making because everyone else is doing it and I'm a follower, a lieutenant, an executer, so I will provide you with some lists. These lists are going to be all over the place, just fyi. They're just gonna magically pop into my head as I write them. Just watch. 

Disclaimer: there might be some overlap with other lists in this blog.

Songs in history I wish I'd written
In order for me to wish I'd written it, I must imagine myself on stage singing my heart out to an adoring audience. I must find myself in a transformed state. The song changes my mood from numb and indifferent to totally inspired. It's a song that I am incapable of writing. That is the criteria of this category.


1. T'Pau: Heart n' Soul

A perfect song in every way: great beat, great vocal that goes just beyond the limit of what I'm capable of (unless I work hard at stretching my voice, which has been known to happen). And in your face, like, what the fuck, give a little bit of heart and soul goddammit you motherfucker.


2. Simple Minds: Alive and Kicking

His voice would be hard to replicate for a female like me. But you see where Eddie Vedder might have been inspired. See that?

3. Neko Case: Set Out Running

I wish I'd written all of Neko Case's songs. But this one is particularly perfect. Especially the part towards the end:

Swallow that horizon
Hunger beyond hunger
T'il the cloudy blue Pacific took the air
In my lungs

If you read this blog at all, you owe it to me to discover some of Neko's albums.

4. Whitney Houston: The Greatest Love of All

Before all the drama and the drugs, before crazytown, before her death, Whitney was one of the greatest pop singers of all time. While her voice was powerful, she sings this with a lot of subtlety, class and intelligence. Therein lies the difference between her and many non-descript vocalists. Admittedly, this song brings a tear to my eye. I'm not made of stone, k? Remember that.

5. SWV: I'm So Into You

Every part of this song could be made into a separate hip hop beat. There are hooks everywhere. I love this group, the way they use their vocal ability with restraint and confidence to create such a tight sound. 

6. Dion: The Wanderer


Dion. Oh Dion. The voice, the song. Who at some point has not fantasized about total freedom, no attachments and just being a complete asshole. Me. I will raise my hand to that.



7. Bruce Springsteen: Backstreets

This may be -- if I was forced to pick with a gun to my head -- my favorite Springsteen song. A mix of Elvis and Bob Dylan, the melody and the poetry. It's just, well, it's just completely insane to write something like this:

Where dancers scrape the tears up off the streets
dressed down in rags
Running into the darkness, some hurt bad some really dying
At night sometimes it seems you could see that whole damn city crying

Ugh, this list could just go on and on. I give up.

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So this year I started to watch sports. Not just the big games, but all the in between games, trying to understand the rules of American Football. I watched the college games, the NFL games, ESPN's 30 for 30 documentary series (which is really good), and if they had been televised, I would have watched the high school games. What I discovered is that the rules of football are hard. Sure, you have the basics, but there are so many mini rules, so many plays possible, that unless you started learning when you were a kid, it's almost a full time job trying to understand this shit. 

You know what else I discovered? Ads targeting men are so much better than the ones targeting women. Men get budweiser commercials. Women get those damn Dove Sketches. I know for a fact (because it's been scientifically proven) that I find myself about 5% more attractive than what I am in reality. If you want to see how stereotypes are reinforced, look no further than the line that divides ads for men and ads for women. Ads for men are funny and entertaining. Women's ads are serious and boring. That's an oversimplification obviously. 

You know which ads I really like? The ones that show the history of the company. I know a lot of companies shy away from looking back at the past because they think it will give people the impression that they're not forward looking, but I wholeheartedly disagree. I love to see the role that a company played in advancing the world. Nostalgia creates instant emotional connection. It's a drug. Even if it was before your time, everyone loves to think of times when things seemed simpler (even if they weren't). Nostalgia, as they say, is masturbation of the mind. The past is "cool," it's hip. You can create an emotional tie to your brand by using it wisely.

Christmas this year made me feel gross. I couldn't see another commercial of people dancing and singing about the lowlow prices of useless crap at department store X without wanting to take a shower. The advertising around christmas/holiday gift giving is the worst peer pressure I've ever experienced, i.e. you're only as good as the presents you give. I think we need some collective Christmas sorbet and cleanse the BS that this holiday has become. I'm not saying we should be all lovey dovey and say Christmas is about being with the ones you love, but recognize that the holidays are a time when the world out there gives everyone permission to take some time off from life. Like all together. Without someone at work covering your projects and hating you for it. This might be the closest thing to time standing still we're ever gonna have, and it's really the greatest gift of all.

And with that, happy New Year.

My Favorite Female Characters (of a certain kind)

There are a lot great roles out there for women. I know women complain that there aren't, but then try being Asian or Indian, there are like two roles out there for them. No, women have had some great parts in the movies, don't deny it. But this list is more focused on female characters of a certain kind. The funny, quirky, awkward and angsty kind. The First World/White people problems kind. The kind that has the best one liners. Admittedly, they are often teenagers. In no particular order:


1) Mina Tannenbaum

We grow up with Mina and her "best friend" Ethel in the 60s and 70s. She is an awkward girl just trying to fit in and get noticed by the cool kids. We forget that it was sort of hard to grow up Jewish in Paris at that time since the French are closet anti-semites. And Mina is Parisian Jewish neurotica at its best, complete with an inner dialogue that berates everything she does and says. Perhaps the most tragic character of all my favorites. Also, this is a French film.







2)  Charlotte of "Mermaids"

Please God don't let me fall in love and want to do disgusting things...
Dear God, I love the way he throws.

Another Jewish girl! Charlotte feels like the adult of her household, led by the fun loving, if a little too sexy and sassy, Cher. Of course, she's just a teenager who has merely found another way to be young. 








3) Juno

You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away
babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them
in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.

Before the backlash, there was Juno. She is awesome. We all know this even if we don't want to admit it. Every girl secretly wants to be her, every guy secretly wants to date her. She doesn't exist, she can't exist, but that is why there is a movie in her name. 









4) France Ha

Sometimes it's good to do what you're supposed to do
when you're supposed to do it.

27, livingish in New York City, struggling dancer and is so far from having her shit together you almost feel good about the fact that you work in Corporate America and have your own shit together (on thin paper). Except while Frances is dealt blows, she somehow retains her optimism, buoyed perhaps by unrealistic hopes, quirkiness and her rambling social awkwardness (which is of course, way more insightful than what other idiots-who-have-their-shit-together say). You wish you had her resilience and her ability to lie when shit is at its worst. 


5) Rayanne Graf (My So Called Life)

Last year that rumor about me and Mark Cameron,
the orchestra pit, I mean in that case it was true but...
man all the conversation, people writing notes and the- they
look at you different trying to figure out who you really are, like
you're famous. Admit it, it's really great.

While we all thought we were Angela Chase (Angela Chase, c'est moi), we wanted to be the bold, the awesome, the original, Rayanne Graf. Plus Angela got really damn sanctimonious with her after the whole Jordan Catallano incident, which annoyed me quite a bit. 

She was flawed, she was funny, she had inimitable style. I loved this girl.

6) Veronica (Heathers)

I can’t believe this is my life. Oh my God. I’m gonna have to send
my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

Half the reason I love Veronica is because I discovered this movie on my own at around midnight when I was 11 years old. I felt really special. But yes, before it all spins out of control, Veronica has some of the best lines in this category. 





7) Norah (Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist)

 I will not be a goody bag at your pity party, Nick.

Another Jew! Norah has very superfluous problems. She's rich, she's pretty, she got into Brown. But she's nice, has some solid lines, she likes music and most importantly, she spends the one night in New York City that I've always wished for myself. I've come close, but no cigar. Let's throw Nick in too. He's just one of the girls.


8) Deb from Napoleon Dynamite

... And here we have some boondoggle key chains.
A must-have for this season's fashion.

Most of these other girls I've listed claim to be nerds, or losers, or at least, they are totally self-deprecating. But let's face it, they are all hot and cool. Now Deb, on the other hand she is the real deal. She is a bonafide nerd. She owns that nerdiness and wears it with pride. And you know she's gonna go on to be something amazing when she grows up. 



9) Watts (Some Kind of Wonderful)

Keith... you're losing it. And when it's lost, all you are is a loser.

In another era, Watts might have been a lesbian. But instead she is a tomboy who hides her sensitivity and love for her best friend, Keith. As someone who grew up a sensitive tomboy, I found her incredibly likable and mizundastood. But she likes being misunderstood, she revels in it. It's like Miley Cyrus and all them haters. What would we do without the haters y'all? Of course, there's a happy ending. 

The 12 most over-posted pics in no particular order

This post has been done by other people, but who cares right? Here is a list of pictures you and your friends over-post on social media:

1.
The Don't Walk/Walk schizophrenic photo

I haven't seen this one appear in a little while, but for a time, it was just a hoot to see the New York street signal just not know what to decide. Should you stay or should you go? Mixed signals? Hahahahahahahahahahaha.





2.
The TSA snow globe prohibition photo 

Also one that I haven't seen for some time, but when that thing first appeared it was posted over and over again. Just HilAHrious.












3.
The feet on the beach or other vacation spot photo

This is posted to signify that you are in a state of relaxation and shouldn't y'all feel jealous about that. I can't pretend to love feet. Have you no humility? Post your shoes, that's cool, but not your disgusting feet.







4.
It's what's for dinner photo

Either you've cooked an amazing meal and want to show off your skillz, or you're at an amazing restaurant and must take a pic of the food that has been bestowed upon you. Honestly, like the insane popularity of Farmville, I just didn't see this one coming.




5.
The pregnant belly shot.


Always good to see that you have the biological ability to be fertilized.














6.
The looking up at buildings shot.

There's really nothing I can say about this shot except that human beings everywhere take it.









7.
The selfish Selfie

'Sup bitches!

It took 7 years to come up with the term to describe that ultimate glorification of self. So simple and so true. We are the only people who matter.










8. 
The beach

How many photos of the beach and ocean can I post on facebook? So so so so so so so so so many. 



























9. 
The Sunset

The sister of the beach shot.
















10.
The red equal sign

Good for human rights, bad for Facebook stalking. When your friend talks about a hot girl he met at a bar the other night, you say "pics or it didn't happen," he goes on to FB for proof. This is the only photo he finds. How the hell can I believe him then? 

Also, what happens when you want to change your profile pic back to one of yourself (the only person who matters)? How awkward. It's like, hey guys, I'm done believing in equality. You're on your own.


11.
The just-take-my-word-for-it concert shot

Believe me when I say that this was Jay Z,




and this was Rush at Barclays Center. K?

12.

The everything is covered in snow shot! Holy shit!

Coming soon to a facebook feed near you.